


(although it's spelled wrong) my name's up in lights

by clearing



Category: Disco Elysium (Video Game)
Genre: Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Misunderstandings, Regular Homophobia (cuno), Slurs (cuno), in love!, un self aware idiots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:07:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28919553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clearing/pseuds/clearing
Summary: YOU – But I thought what I had was an ex-something??LOGIC [Trivial: Success] – The existence of an ex-something does not, in itself, preclude the existence of a present-something.(or; sometimes you fail a check that's not even that hard and convince yourself that your cop-partner is actually your partner-partner.)
Relationships: Harry Du Bois/Kim Kitsuragi
Comments: 50
Kudos: 141





	1. Chapter 1

KIM KITSURAGI – A bespectacled man in an orange bomber jacket is tapping his foot on the floor. It looks like he’s waiting for someone – you. As you approach, he narrows his eyes and extends his hand in greeting.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] – If an assault were launched on this building right now – if the windows came crashing down and the whole world descended upon you – this man would hurl himself in death’s way to save you. You are sure of this – but why?

  1. **Hold on, who is he to me?**
  2. Shake his hand.
  3. Don’t shake his hand.



ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Failure] – Look, I know I just set up a super dramatic reveal there, but that’s all I got. You’re on your own.

  1. **Ok, wait, pause. On my own? That whole…hurling himself in death’s way deal was kinda heavy. Can we try that one again?**



INLAND EMPIRE – Good instinct.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – But, no. You don’t know much, but you know it doesn’t work like that. Somebody else, maybe?

PERCEPTION – Ugh. Fine. Well, first, he’s not looking around the Whirling — his gaze has been fixed on you this whole time.

VISUAL CALCULUS - There are customers present who look — how shall we say — more _put-together_ than you. More _cop-like_. This is not a high standard to meet, given your current situation, but, nevertheless.

CONCEPTUALIZATION - He knows he’s meant to be meeting _you_ , though, not them. He knows who you are.

YOU - Do you know who he is? No. You don’t know shit. This is going to stop coming as a surprise soon, but at least for now, it makes your stomach drop every time you remember. Or, you know, every time you _don’t_ remember.

But you’re a detective. (Probably.) You can detect.

  1. [Logic - Medium] Come on, who is he to me?
  2. **Actually, I don’t even know if I want to know. Even if it’s _important_. Knowing seems to have gone badly for me so far. I can do it — whatever _it_ is — without him. **



INLAND EMPIRE [Heroic: Success] - Actually, no, you can’t.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] - You can go back upstairs and pick up where you left off without him!

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] - But that’s not _it_. Try again.

  1. **[Logic - Medium] Who is he to me?**



LOGIC [Medium: Failure] – Ok. We’re doing this. If he were looking for a cop, the unwashed man whose hangover is visible from space would not be the first person he tried. Cops are put-together. They wear _uniforms_.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – But you _are_ wearing a uniform. People don’t just wake up and happen to throw on out-of-style head-to-toe disco attire. Whatever’s going on here may not be good, but it’s definitely intentional.

LOGIC [Medium: Failure] – Fine. Cops wear cop-uniforms. You’re wearing a sad fuck-uniform. There’s a difference.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Formidable: Success] – He’s put-together, though. Actually, he’s wearing a uniform too.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Legendary: Failure] – It’s not the uniform of any organization you know. Or that you know you know. It’s something old and something new. Something that he’s taken and made his own.

LOGIC [Medium: Failure] – Thank you. No cop-uniforms to be found here. Where were we? He’s not your colleague. The hurling himself in death’s way is too, well, _intimate_ for an acquaintance, or even a friend. Who is he to you? He’s your partner.

RHETORIC – Not your work partner, or partner-in-crime.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Your _partner_ -partner.

  1. **Oh, god, what?**



ELECTROCHEMISTRY – You guys fuck.

  1. When you put it that way, I guess that makes sense…
  2. I guess I did, uh, weirdly well in that department, considering all of my…everything.
  3. **But I thought what I had was an ex-something??**



LOGIC [Trivial: Success] – The existence of an ex-something does not, in itself, preclude the existence of a present-something.

YOU – You feel a little guilty about being so obviously hung up on your ex-something that she’s one of about three things you can currently remember, when your present-something is right here and you might as well have never seen him before in your life.

  1. **But why would my present-something be here? Aren’t I on the job?**
  2. But why would my present-something be here? Why wouldn’t he just fucking leave me like everyone does?



EMPATHY – Look, I can’t say for sure. But if you somehow got word that _he_ had decided he didn’t want to be this kind of animal anymore and went on a memory-obliterating bender, you would drop everything to go to his side. Even if he were at work.

YOU – Fair. But he couldn’t know about the memory-obliterating part – you haven’t told anyone about that. Unless you did before you lost your memory? But that doesn’t even make sense, like, _chronologically_. You remember, as you spiral through these thoughts and your stomach twists again, why you haven’t told anyone – without your memory, you’re vulnerable. Any person in this place could decide to take the amnesia-cop for everything he’s worth and you’d have no way of knowing what was happening.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Challenging: Success] – _He_ wouldn’t.

AUTHORITY [Godly: Failure] – Fine. You can ask him for help. God knows you need it. But not here, in the middle of the cafeteria. You can’t let anyone else know anything is wrong.

KIM KITSURAGI – It occurs to you that the man is still standing there, holding out his hand. How much time has passed? However much it is, it’s been a little too long. His face is blank – carefully blank – as he goes to withdraw his hand—

  1. **[Hand-Eye Coordination - Medium] You can’t let that happen! Shake his hand. Respond appropriately.**
  2. Don’t shake his hand.



HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Medium: Success] – But shaking his hand _wouldn’t_ be _appropriate_ , now, would it? Not for your present-something.

YOU – You reach out, quick, and grab his hand. In your grip, it’s callused, a little rough. It registers to you that this shouldn’t be a surprise, but, of course, it is. Not a bad one, though. With his hand in yours, you pull him to you, align the front of his body against yours, and press your lips against his cheek.

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Success] – It’s soft, so you almost miss it, but as your lips make contact with his cheek (smooth-shaven, still a little cool from the outside air) a little puff of breath makes its way up from his lungs and past your ear.

PERCEPTION [Heroic: Failure] – He smells…good.

YOU – Good how? Like what?

PERCEPTION [Heroic: Failure] – Like, good. That’s all I got.

EMPATHY [Trivial: Success] – He’s surprised. That surprised him.

YOU – Oh fuck, are you guys not a touchy-feely couple? Does he not like it that you did that in public? Did you make it weird?

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Easy: Success] – You’re absolutely a touchy-feely person, champ. You love that shit.

SUGGESTION – So you, like, _repress_ that aspect of yourself for him? That’s kinda sad, actually. Maybe you should kiss him like that more often.

KIM KITSURAGI – Your present-something seems like he’s gearing up to say something.

REACTION SPEED [Easy: Success] – “Not here!” you hiss in his ear. You have great ear-access, because you haven’t really moved back yet – you’re still pressed against him, chest to chest, cheek against cheek.

YOU – But you have to move back now, because you’ve gotta take him by the arm and maneuver him back from the door, across the Whirling, up the stairs and back into your room where you can ask him—

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – The man with the unimpressive beard notices you making a break for it, dragging your present-something along with you. He drops the ledger he was holding and rushes out from behind the bar to block your path. 

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – “Not so fast.” He points at you. “You owe me 130 réal.”

  1. “What’s réal?”
  2. [Savoir Faire - Medium] Slip away unnoticed.
  3. **“I don’t owe you shit.”**



GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – “Oh?” He puffs with indignation. “You don’t owe me _shit_? Well, officer, you’re right – you _don’t_ owe me shit, you owe me MONEY.”

  1. **“What do I owe you for?”**
  2. “But what exactly is money?”
  3. “You’re under arrest.”



GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – “Let's see.” He dramatically turns a page in the ledger. “Three nights at a tarif of 20 reál comes to 60 reál for your room. Then there's the window you _annihilated_ – the hole in the window was the first thing I saw when I came to work, so don't try to tell me you didn't! That will be 40 reál in damages.”

“Another thing you've annihilated is half the bar -- you've run a tab of 30 reál. Actually more, but we'll round it down to 30 for your hard work maintaining the stability and order of Revachol. That's 60 + 40 + 30 = 130 reál. And yes, reál is still money.”

  1. “But what exactly is money?”
  2. “You’re under arrest.”
  3. **[Rhetoric - Legendary] Come up with something. Quick!**



RHETORIC [Legendary: Success] You’re lucky you figured it out about your present-something before you talked to this guy.

YOU – “Uh, ok, I’m not even gonna touch the bar stuff. Or the reál stuff, because honestly I’m still a little foggy on that. But for the room stuff, first of all, I know the language we’re speaking right now is ambiguous in this respect but I hope that’s a PLURAL ‘you’ you’re using because that’s OUR room” – you gesture between yourself and your present-something, who is looking a little shell-shocked but you have other shit to worry about right now – “and it’s where WE’RE going, right now.”

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – He blinks a couple times, but recovers quickly. “Look, officer, I don’t care whether it’s _your_ room, plural or singular, all I know is that you, singular” – he points at you – “and _you_ , singular, uh, I don’t even know” – he points at your present-something –

KIM KITSURAGI – “My name is Kim Kitsuragi,” he says, “and I’m an o—”

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – But maybe Kim—

LOGIC [Trivial: Success] Kim! Great! Great info!

GARTE, THE CAFETERIA MANAGER – Maybe Kim shouldn’t have reminded Garte that he was with you, because Garte turns on him now. “Frankly, I don’t care _which_ of you takes responsibility for this. Forget the bar. But _someone_ is paying for the room. And the window! And unlike _him_ ” – he jerks his head toward you, then glares back at Kim – “you look like you might be good for it.”

  1. [Volition - Heroic] I can’t believe I have to point this out, but you’re taking advantage of Kim. Even if you’re together, _he_ didn’t trash this room or skip out on _his_ bills. You should step in.
  2. **For better or for worse, right? For richer or for fucking poorer?**



YOU – You make yourself as unobtrusive as possible – as unobtrusive as you can be when everyone in the Whirling, you realize, has been raptly watching this whole thing go down – while Kim cleans up your mess.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim – mercifully, miraculously – negotiates Garte down, getting him to drop the bar tab and the window-replacement charge. That leaves you with 60 réal for the room itself. (You’re getting a better and better idea of what réal might be.) Of those 60, Kim pays 20. He convinces Garte that you’re good for the other 40, and for subsequent nights if necessary, to be paid in installments.

YOU – This is absolutely more than you could’ve dreamed of mere moments ago. You knew kind of intellectually that you were, you guess, in love with this guy, but now you know that, yeah, you’re _in love_ with this guy. You would do anything for him.

DRAMA [Trivial: Success] – Sire, what you say is merely a rhetorical flourish. It is for emphasis. It isn’t for love.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] – You know you can tell the difference. So what's going on here?

YOU – You are just not about to think too hard about what’s going on here. What you’re about to do is start thinking up a really over-the-top way to thank Kim when you realize that he’s still talking.

KIM KITSURAGI – And what he says makes you stop short. There was obviously a part you missed, but when you tune back in, he’s asking Garte if there’s another vacant room.

LOGIC [Easy: Success] – One for him. In which he wants to stay. Without you.

RHETORIC [Medium: Success] – He’s trying to wriggle his way out of the whole plural you thing.

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success] – He’s gonna fucking abandon you.

  1. **[Volition - Difficult] This is fine. He’s a grownup. I’m a grownup. I’m going to react like a grownup.**
  2. [Drama - Medium] This absolutely cannot happen. Do something to stop it.
  3. Just start crying.



VOLITION [Difficult: Failure] – Look, it would be one thing if he weren’t, you know, fucking abandoning you. But as the situation stands, you absolutely can’t muster up the will to react, well, normally. You don’t say anything yet. You can’t, around the huge lump that’s starting to form in your throat.

  1. **[Drama - Medium] This absolutely cannot happen. Do something to stop it.**
  2. Just start crying.



DRAMA [Medium: Success] - Time to make an even bigger scene.

YOU - “Kim,” you say, totally calmly and rationally, “you’re not going to stay in our room?”

KIM KITSURAGI - He blinks at you. “Well, it’s not my room, I only arrived—”

  1. Persuade him with politics.
  2. **Persuade him with economics.**
  3. Persuade him with love.



YOU – You interrupt him. “Listen, you had to _hustle_ for what you’ve got. You had to _grind_. Are you gonna just _give it all up_ to the first… _hotel guy_ who comes around asking you for _handouts_?”

  1. Keep it coming!
  2. **Switch it up!**



YOU – “I mean, even if you got your own room, it wouldn’t even be your _private_ room, it would be ours, all of ours, because all goods, including hotel rooms, really belong to the _state_ and therefore to the _people_.”

PERCEPTION – As your voice gets louder with each contradictory expression of your economic commitments, more people in the cafeteria turn to look at you.

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – Kim would prefer to avoid scenes, generally. And this is gearing up to be a pretty decent-sized one. 

  1. **Incredible! Switch it up again!**



YOU – “You know, this is the kind of rapid change that could destabilize the economy of hotel rooms, and also our own personal economy of, like, _life_ , since we’ve obviously been sharing a room in the past, and if you don’t move _incrementally_ —”

KIM KITSURAGI – This last bit is what snaps him out of the horrified paralysis he’s been in since you started mixing and matching economic theories. “ _Fine_ ,” he says in this kind of half-whisper, which isn’t really doing anything since all of the normal, non-deranged inhabitants of the Whirling are still absolutely engrossed as this continues to go down, “let’s _go_ _upstairs_.” And he allows you to take him by the arm, maneuver him around Garte, and drag him up to your, _plural_ , room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - will update in the next week! 4 chapters total (as far as i can tell). 
> 
> 2 - finally source material that not only tolerates but /encourages/ my /insane/ use of /italics/! 
> 
> 3 - a brief preview of coming events: maybe even if you sort out a misunderstanding like this one your relationship....will be affected......in certain ways........but who can say for sure!!!


	2. Chapter 2

KIM KITSURAGI – “But _why_ , officer, even with the…amnesia, why is _that_ the assumption you would make?”

EMPATHY [Difficult: Success] – Your cop-partner (oh fuck, oh god, your cop-partner) is sitting in your, plural, room, in the chair by the smashed window, totally in despair. Well, he’s taking the whole you-possibly-obliterated-your-own-memory thing pretty much in stride so far, but you have a suspicion that’s mostly because it’s kind of the sideshow right now. The, uh, _husbands_ business is the main attraction.

(YOU – “Kim,” you had said, the second the door to your room slammed behind you. “Something _very bad_ has happened to me – I think it’s either that it’s the end of days has happened to me or that _I_ have happened to me, I don’t know which is worse – I’m calling in whatever I can call in right now, like, _spousal privilege_ or whatever—”

AUTHORITY [Legendary: Failure] – Kim stopped you with a quick jerk of his head.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Officer,” Kim said, “before we continue with whatever this is, please, _tell me who you are_.”

YOU – “Oh shit,” you said, like an idiot, “amnesia got you too??”)

PERCEPTION [Medium: Success] – Actually, Kim (you should probably get used to calling him Lieutenant Kitsuragi, fuck, but if you’re being honest with yourself that ship has completely sailed) doesn’t look like he’s despairing. His breathing is even and his face is blank.

EMPATHY [Godly: Success] – Too even. _Too_ blank. I know you didn’t mean to, but you still got him pretty good here.

REACTION SPEED [Medium: Failure] – The lieutenant has been waiting patiently for you to answer his question, but even a very patient man (which, you can already tell, he is) might have his limits in a situation like this.

YOU – “Look, I don’t know!” you say. You’ve been pacing back and forth, too full of nervous energy to be still, but now you sweep the garbage off of the end of the sofa bed nearest to Kim and sit down heavily, angling your body so you can look at him without turning your head. “The voices, I guess, they told me there was something about _you_ , so it made sense, and you already knew who I was, and also I don’t know anything right now. And it’s not even _that_ far-fetched compared to total retrograde amnesia.”

KIM KITSURAGI – He’s mentally tabulating those pitiful excuses for explanations, sorting them in order of priority. “But you _don’t_ have total retrograde amnesia.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] – He’s a practical man. This one has the greatest potential to affect your work, so it’s what comes first.

KIM KITSURAGI – “You can still walk, and speak, and you’re obviously in possession of concepts like—” He hasn’t been looking directly at you this whole time, he’s kind of been staring over your shoulder, but now he’s looking even _less_ directly at you. “Khm. Well, like spousal privilege, for one, even if you’re not deploying it entirely correctly. You must know that it’s not— _we’re_ not—it wouldn’t even be _allowed_.”

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Challenging: Success] – The document you’re seeing in your mind’s eye is the Code of Conduct of the Revachol Citizens’ Militia. It outlines the rules, norms, and expectations that you, and every other police officer in the city, have agreed to honor and uphold. It contains nine articles, each of which has between six and twelve sections. Those sections are further divided into subsections. Article 5, Section 2, Subsection B states that fraternization between officers is forbidden when it might compromise the chain of command, jeopardize the success of the RCM’s mission, or otherwise undermine order, authority, and morale.

INLAND EMPIRE – Fraternization is pretty much always going to end up undermining order, authority, and _especially_ morale, in your humble opinion.

ENDURANCE – The emphasis on authority and örder – seems a little old-fashioned.

ENCYCLOPEDIA – There’s more. Article 5 contains four other subsections, and Article 8 has to do with officers being subject to the laws of Revachol that they enforce. Some of that might be relevant. Want to keep going?

  1. **[Volition: Challenging] Let’s keep going with Article 5.**
  2. [Encyclopedia: Formidable] Hit me with some relevant Revacholian laws.
  3. Nah, this is all kinda boring. Maybe even a little sad?



VOLITION [Challenging: Failure] – It really is boring. So boring you can’t even remember why you thought it might be sad. You try to concentrate, but the image you have of the document is fading pretty quickly.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – The words “SEX” and “VICE” in Article 5, Section 5 catch your attention. Is this the _fun_ part of the code of conduct?

VOLITION [Challenging: Failure] – But you skim the beginning of the section in your mind’s eye and realize that “a member of the same sex” literally means, like, two men, or two women, not, like, _fucking_ , so you give up.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] – Armed with this new information, you have to wonder, did you... _take advantage_ of Kim? Not with the money thing with the hotel guy – obviously you took advantage of him with the money thing. But did you also create a _hostile workplace environment_ just now?

  1. “Why do I have the concept ‘workplace sexual harassment’ but not the concept ‘money’? Also, did I just do workplace sexual harassment to you?”
  2. **“No, yeah, it’s not allowed, I guess just with the amnesia and all I assumed that rule was kinda…”**



KIM KITSURAGI – He’s still not exactly looking at you, but it’s closer than it was. “Kind of what?”

YOU – “I thought it was, like, an old-fashioned rule. I thought maybe people didn’t really pay attention to it anymore.”

KIM KITSURAGI – He’s looking at you now.

YOU – You’re actually pretty sure people don’t pay attention to that part of the Code of Conduct.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Success] – A woman hunches over her desk, filling out the last of the paperwork and forms that had been passed on to her. Her shift is almost over, and she’s waiting for her husband to come in for his own shift. He’ll come up behind her as she’s sitting, wave to the bullpen’s other inhabitants and, for just a second, he’ll place his hand where her shoulder meets her neck as they switch places. She’ll mimic his motion when, after his shift ends, he drags himself back to the apartment that they share and sinks into a chair in their kitchen.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – But you don’t care. Because Kim is still absolutely looking at you. His face is still carefully blank, but underneath that – this one? He liked it, actually.

SUGGESTION – Keep him looking at you like that.

  1. **Say something else he’ll like.**
  2. _Do_ something else he’ll like.



YOU – You decide to keep talking sense – maybe that will have the same effect. You’re not entirely sure what it is that worked just then, so you throw in some of everything. “Like, I wasn’t really thinking then, and I guess I was wrong. I mean, obviously I was wrong, and this all kinda adds up now, and anyway, I guess I might still personally have some terrible _thing_ going on with my, uh, ex-wife, so it makes at least a little sense—”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Of course.” He interrupts you. “It does make sense.”

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – He actually didn’t like the talking sense. Before, there was a minute where, against his will, he _liked_ you, felt this insuppressible kind of _solidarity_ with you. It’s not all bad – in his estimation, you probably still have a couple points left for whatever that was. But now, honestly, he’s a little upset. It’s mostly directed inwards, actually, not towards you, which – huh? But he’s also not entirely sure you’re not fucking with him.

YOU – You aren’t fucking with him. If you’re fucking with anyone, it’s yourself.

KIM KITSURAGI – But whatever it is, he shakes it off. He’s not reacting anymore when he says, “This isn’t terribly comfortable to talk about, of course, but be that as it may, detective, I’d rather know how you reached this conclusion about me. I’d rather it not happen again on the job.”

  1. Tell him the truth – tell him the voices told you.
  2. **You’ve already been crazy enough for a lifetime, let alone less than twenty minutes, and you just met the man.**



Drama [Formidable: Failure] – What lie could you possibly tell here? “Oh, officer, I’m psychic.” “Lieutenant Kitsuragi, it came to me in a vision.” Those are just the truth!

YOU – “Uh. Right. Earlier I mentioned the voices?”

KIM KITSURAGI – He nods. He’s not going to help you out with this one.

YOU – “Yeah. So, I have these voices in my head, and they tell me stuff. About the world. And about other people? And about, in this case, kinda what you were feeling about me when you saw me…”

KIM KITSURAGI – He’s still not saying anything.

YOU – “Kim, I might have read your mind a little?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Bullshit.” He’s carefully, precisely not reacting.

YOU – “No, I’m, like, pretty sure this is something I can do.” You're certain, actually. You got the throwing-himself-at-death-for-you deal, which, fuck, actually makes sense now that you know you're cop-partners.

KIM KITSURAGI – He's not looking like a person who's listening to somebody making sense. “You did not _read my mind_ , officer. I know you did not _read my mind_ because that is not something that is _possible_.”

PERCEPTION [Challenging: Success] – Ooh, now he’s reacting a little.

VISUAL CALCULUS – His shoulders are, almost imperceptibly, bowing inwards. He’s angry at you – oh, is he ever angry with you – but, again, he’s also angry at himself. He shifts, once, in his seat, and for a second he looks – almost guilty?

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – In no way is he happy about any of this. Whatever points you might have had with him, consider them gone. It’s not exactly that he doesn’t believe that you knew what he was thinking when he saw you – he still doesn’t have a good explanation for that – it’s more like he just _refuses_ to let himself believe you. You _cannot_ have heard his thoughts.

YOU – This is why you were going to lie. “Kim, this isn’t bullshit, it’s—”

KIM KITSURAGI – “It’s not. Whatever you’re going to say, it is not.”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Legendary: Failure] – Oh, he thinks you’re _crazy_. That’s gotta be what this is about, at least in part – you thought he was with _you_. You thought he was with crazy, when he’s obviously, you can tell already, contained. Controlled. _Cool_. How embarrassing for him.

AUTHORITY – And, obviously, for you, but unfortunately, you’re used to being embarrassed. You are not a man of dignity – it’s not clear that you’ve ever been one. But he’s not used to it. There’s no reason he would be.

CONCEPTUALIZATON – You can’t blame him. This is crazy. You are crazy.

INLAND EMPIRE – Have you ever told anyone about the voices before? You’re not sure. If you have, though – could they have reacted any other way?

COMPOSURE [Difficult: Success] – You keep it together. It’s important to you that you at least try to earn those points back with him – that you work together, that you respect each other, that maybe you build a _rapport_ like _cop-partners_ are supposed to do – so you keep it together. You recognize that, for whatever reason, you can’t stand the idea of Kim thinking you’re crazy, or worse, hating you for it. He probably already does, and it’s probably irreversible, so. Bad work, detective. But you can at least try to stem the bleeding.

YOU – “Kim, the voices…they’re not always _right_. I mean, they were wrong back there.”

KIM KITSURAGI – He sighs, and turns entirely away from you, looking out the broken window.

KIM KITSURAGI – “I would prefer if that were true.”

  1. Tell him it is true.
  2. **Tell him you’re sorry.**
  3. Tell him to fuck himself.



YOU – You mean to apologize for the mind reading, because that’s obviously what upset him, but you end up apologizing for _everything_. “Look, I’m sorry I’m psychic, I really don’t mean to be, everything is just kind of _happening_ to me right now and I’m sorry I’m making it happen to you too, and I’m sorry about our room, and about the whole _us_ thing, and I can really just pop back downstairs and get you your own room and start screaming again about how I totally know what money is now and also that you’re _not_ my husband, if you want?”

KIM KITSURAGI – He blinks a couple times. Slowly, he turns back to look at you again, and quickly, so quickly you almost miss it, the corner of his mouth twitches.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Easy: Success] – It’s like the sun rising. Something twists in your stomach.

KIM KITSURAGI – The almost-smile flashes across his face and then it’s gone. “No, detective. I don’t want that. We’ve already drawn enough attention – word travels quickly, and I’m sure the citizens of Martinaise will think whatever they wish to about us. Explicitly correcting the record and getting another room less than half an hour after that… _show_ you put on downstairs might even draw suspicion at this point. We simply won’t speak of it again, and, hopefully, it won’t affect our investigation.”

YOU – Ok. Not speak of it. You can do that. You nod, mutely, not speaking of it.

SHIVERS - You realize that you don’t actually want to not speak of it. This – _thing_ , you don’t have a name for it, don’t quite want one, yet – has gotten under your skin, become something like a _case_ that you need to solve, almost without you noticing.

VOLITION - But you can do it. If that’s what Kim thinks is best.

PERCEPTION [Legendary: Success] – He doesn’t smile this time – he’s fully in control of himself again. It’s almost better, actually, that you can tell that he _wants_ to, that he’s actively tamping it down. It's like you two share a secret.

KIM KITSURAGI – “At least,” he says, “Like you said, I'm not going around giving up my hard-earned réal as _handouts_ to _hoteliers_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - thought the misunderstandings were over??? think again!!!!! Whatever Could Kim Not Want Harry To Know He Was Thinking. anyway there should have been a gay agenda counterpart to the feminist agenda thought where you wake up and get to run around like “LEGALIZE GAY MARRIAGE IN REVACHOL!” tragically that isn’t exactly what’s happening here either but when kim thinks it is for a second can we blame him for being like !!!???!!!! (but a subtle !!!???!!!!)
> 
> 2 - again, update in a week, give or take. this time it was take!
> 
> 3 - a brief sneak peek at the next chapter: honey you’ve got a big storm comin. and since they’ve already had tropical storms A-G this year we’re calling this one Hurricane Homo-Sexuality


	3. Chapter 3

YOU – You’re in the shack in the fishing village – all right, _your_ shack, you’ve only spent one night here but you’re honestly a little attached to it already.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] – Which isn’t to say you didn’t like your, plural, room in the Whirling. Sharing with Kim wasn’t so bad.

PERCEPTION – On the first night, you’d watched him smoke a single cigarette on the balcony, following the little curls of smoke up from his lips until they disappeared into the night air.

INLAND EMPIRE – And you’d been overcome with this feeling of gratitude towards him that you knew, just knew, you shouldn’t express.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – You knew he wouldn’t have liked it if you _had_ expressed it – it wasn't just that he’d only known you for something like fifteen hours, that a loudly sincere outpouring of _whatever_ from a fifteen-hour cop-partner would freak out anybody. It was also that Kim, you could already tell, is not an _emotions_ guy. He’s not a _having or interacting_ with emotions in front of _other people_ guy.

COMPOSURE [Godly: Failure] – You, despite your best efforts, are big into that shit. How many people have you almost started sobbing in front of lately? Kim only counts as one, even though he was there every time.

YOU – Yeah. Anyway. The goal was to avoid subjecting him to more of _that_ , so you decided to become a man of _action_.

INTERFACING [Formidable: Success] – And by ‘man of action’ you meant: man of banging on the wall to make sure no one was staying in the room next to yours, picking the shared bathroom door’s flimsy lock, entering the room, hoisting the shitty mattress off its frame, and sliding it back through the bathroom onto the floor of your room.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success] – You realized afterward that you could’ve just left the door open after you picked the lock and told Kim he could sleep in there instead of breaking a sweat moving the mattress, but you were kinda caught up in the moment.

KIM KITSURAGI – And Kim didn’t say anything – just watched, amused, as you offered him the new, purloined _floor mattress_ , like a _gentleman_ , so he didn’t have to sleep on the cushions that were, you were ninety five percent sure, fully saturated with alcohol and your own bodily fluids. Those little lines around his eyes he gets when he’s trying not to smile made a brief appearance.

YOU – So that worked pretty well for the first night, and the one after that. But you’re here now. And you’re counting down the seconds until you can leave.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – You’re jumpy. You’d rather not be alone with your thoughts—well, ever, but right now is part of ever, technically, and you wish you had a task. Better yet, something to do with your hands. A distraction.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim is on his way back to the Whirling, having accompanied you here and left with a “good night, detective.” He could have spared himself the trip in this cold drizzle that’s coming down – you’re headed back there too. Or, you will be, as soon as you’re sure the coast is clear. You want to give him a decent head start. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION – That means there’s plenty of time to figure out _what just went on_ with Kim before he left!

YOU – You resolutely ignore that thought. Nothing went on. Just a conversation between cop-partners. A masculine meeting of the minds.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Not that I can’t appreciate a little alliteration, detective, but that was not exactly it.

YOU – Fuck off. Uh. Actually. What exactly was it, then?

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Well, if that were clear, we wouldn’t be here thinking about it right now. Wanna take a look?

  1. Changed my mind. I’m scared. And kinda embarrassed for some reason?
  2. **I’m brave and I have no dignity. Let’s roll the tape.**



CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] – Ahem. Rolling. Whenever you encounter a silence lately, you’re compelled to fill it. You’ve been trying to do so since you woke up on the filthy floor four days ago, a vast nothingness in the place that your memories should be, a great hole in your head, blah blah blah. What this means in practice is that you cannot physically stop yourself from saying whatever crazy shit pops into your mind every single second of the day.

YOU – Which is why you’re here, walking across the bridge that connects Martinaise proper to the fishing village, telling Kim that you have managed to stop obsessing over your sexuality.

DRAMA – Would you really be telling him that if you’d stopped?

YOU – Well, either way, that’s what you’re telling him.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Great. Imagine all the time we’ll have for work now – in fact, we should get back to it right now.”

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] – Despite his clipped delivery, you know that this is an _interesting_ conversation for Kim.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Medium: Success] – Not _pleasant_! Not _workplace appropriate_! But interesting.

YOU – Which is why you press on and ask him whether he’s part of the homo-sexual underground. And, you guess, which is why, instead of gently but authoritatively redirecting you, he says, yes, he is.

DRAMA – And it’s the truth, sire.

YOU – And then you’re at your shack, watching Kim walk back towards what is now his room. Which is where you are, still, right now.

YOU – …

YOU – …Did that help? Clear some stuff up?

LOGIC [Heroic: Failure] – Honestly? Not really.

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success]– It didn’t really clear anything up for Kim, either. He hid it well, in the moment, but he was…well, he was bemused. He thought you already knew. That. About him.

YOU – Uhhh, he thought what? He thought I knew _that_ even though I didn’t know what _crime_ was? What the _alphabet_ was? Just because of the human can opener deal?

EMPATHY [Impossible: Failure] – Something like that, yeah.

  1. [Logic: Impossible] Ohh, I understand everything!
  2. This is good enough for me right now. I’ve learned something, at least.
  3. **I don’t get it and I don’t even want to.**



VOLITION [Medium: Success] – You decide that you just can’t spend too much precious brain real estate considering that one right now, because you have a task to complete. You have some boots to steal.

REACTION SPEED – Time to move. 

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Unluckily for you, it’s not the world’s shortest walk back to the courtyard where the body, formerly in the tree, is now decomposing on the ground. Which means your brain has plenty of time to roll some more tape.

YOU – You’re thinking, a little bit against your will, about your conversations with the man who was smoking on the balcony, the ones that prompted that exchange with Kim. But what exactly is it about those interactions that’s still commanding your attention?

  1. This shit never even helps! I just end up feeling stupid!
  2. **Feeling stupid is my natural state. Roll it.**



CONCEPTUALIZATION [Legendary: Success] – Rolling again. You’re talking to the smoker, up on the balcony, outside his apartment, in the Whirling. You’re looking at him the way – ugh, really? – you were looking at the body when you did the autopsy – _carefully_ , but not totally intentionally, letting your instincts take your senses where they should go. Unfortunately, you can’t say looking at him is _better_ than the autopsy – finding that bullet was pretty fucking great, actually – but there’s a similar intensity here. And not as much brain matter. You’re also feeling something in your own body, little curls of electricity that ground you and remind you that you’re nothing if not an animal, a sack of meat. These things are all making you _react_.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – What you didn’t know then is the things you were feeling, the things that made you blush and trip over your words? That’s how you get about this _homo-sexual_ stuff. Even, apparently, when you _don’t know_ that it’s what’s getting you so worked up.

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] – Another thing you didn’t _completely_ know but also kinda _totally_ knew then is that Kim, when he was watching these conversations, when his mouth was twitching? He was laughing at _you_. Your tongue-tiedness, your fidgeting, your staring. Don’t get me wrong: he was confused then too! He thought, in those moments, that you already had some knowledge that you apparently did not have. But yeah, mainly he was laughing at you.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] – It wasn’t mean-spirited, not exactly. Honestly! It was almost…comradely. But it wasn’t like you were in on something _together_ , as _partners_. He knew something about you – something that you apparently didn’t know about yourself, if you kept asking him why the smoker _smelled so nice_ , and he chose not to share that information with you. It was a little secret, between himself and the smoker, or between himself and…himself again.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Oh shit. Life makes a little more sense now, honestly. This helps you clarify some things.

  1. Yeah it does!
  2. **Uh, clarify what?**



CONCEPTUALIZATION [Easy: Success]– First, whatever’s going on, it’s humiliating.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] – It feels shameful, like you shouldn’t be doing it. Thinking about it – like you’re doing right now – makes your insides twist up and your breath get stuck in your lungs and heat rise in your cheeks.

AUTHORITY [Heroic: Failure] – And that’s when you’re still not totally sure what it even is. Plus, the feeling that Kim KNOWS something about you, knows THIS about you, you and the smoker, who you’re obviously still thinking about but, also obviously, not as much as you’re thinking about Kim – that’s even more humiliating.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] – But despite all this? Actually, you know what, _because of_ all of this? It’s also _thrilling_.

EMPATHY – Here’s the second thing. Do you want to know the second thing? It’s a doozy.

  1. **Yes.**
  2. No. 



EMPATHY [Godly: Success] – It’s a little bit thrilling for Kim too. He likes being this person to you – being your lodestone in your journey back to yourself. Knowing things about you that even you don’t know yet. He likes the _control_ , that he could tell you anything and you’d believe it, that he could tell you to _do_ anything and you’d do it, that he’s the only thing in this city, maybe even on the whole isola or in all of Elysium, that you can trust.

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – He doesn’t know that he’s just a bit wrong about the last part. He’s not _exactly_ that, to you. Even though he’s your lodestone, your ex is a super-charged radio-magnet that’s picking you up by the fillings in your molars and swinging you around. Kim’s lodestone is just tugging at you gently – it’s more pleasant, sure, just about as effective, not so violent, but not even close to as strong.

VOLITION [Formidable: Failure] – So here’s another thing: apparently you feel kind of massively guilty when you think about Kim and your ex in conjunction like this. But, you know, you feel massively guilty _all the time_ _anyway_ , so.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Legendary: Success] – Hey, your metaphor is confused – a lodestone is in fact magnetic, but it doesn’t _attract_ the entity that it’s navigating for. It just gives directions.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] – No, actually, the metaphor is pretty apt, at least in this instance. Learn to take some artistic license when it’s emotionally appropriate.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – Speaking of emotionally appropriate – and back to Kim – _he_ doesn’t like that this thrills him any more than _you_ like what you’re feeling right now. He doesn’t think he should like it – and he’d never _use_ this power over you that he has – but the lieutenant is not a man who is prone to self-deception. Unlike you. So he knows this about himself. And now you do too.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Also – this might come as a surprise, and it’s a little weird of you, but if I didn’t tell you I would be super fucking remiss in my duties – maybe, just maybe, if you thought for a little longer about _it_ , all of _this_ , this mix of humiliation and something that you can’t quite remember the name of coursing through your veins, a little bit like speed if speed also made your skin transparent so everyone walking down the street could see inside your very soul, _plus_ the fact that Kim likes that he could be in control of whatever it is, AND if you weren’t walking through the cold rain right now…

YOU – What? What??

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Medium: Success] – Maybe it would make your _dick_ juuuuuust a _tiny_ bit hard.

  1. **That doesn’t make sense…**
  2. I mean I guess, but…



ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Who’s talking about making sense here??

LOGIC – Some of us are _trying_ to.

YOU – Great! You help me out then!!

LOGIC – Well, this isn’t exactly what you’re looking for, but I actually have another problem for you. If you want to take your mind off…that whole deal.

  1. Another? Fuck off.
  2. **Another? Awesome…great…**



LOGIC [Medium: Success] – Yeah, you didn’t call me in for _more_ problems, but this one you probably could address. For the past three days you’ve just been ignoring the little…miscommunication that happened the first time you saw Kim. You know, the _husbands_ one.

YOU – Oh god. What about it?

LOGIC – How come you’ve been able to ignore it? Nobody you’ve interviewed with Kim as cop-partners has brought up the fact that you apparently arrived on the scene in Martinaise as partner-partners. You never corrected the record. Did they just not hear about it? Is it the kind of thing that people don’t talk about? What’s going on with that?

YOU – Yeah, what _is_ going on with that? I thought you were gonna make sense.

LOGIC – This is less nonsensical than everything else going on in there. And at least I’ve laid it out for you like it’s a nice orderly case that needs solving.

DRAMA [Easy: Success] – By a superstar cop.

YOU – You don’t feel like a superstar cop. You’re distracted, against your will, by…this whole _deal_ , maybe too distracted to even get a handle on what exactly it is you need to be solving. Something about partners? Something about Kim? You’re tying yourself up into stupid little knots.

ENDURANCE [Challenging: Failure] – If you hadn’t thought he was your _partner_ -partner, you wouldn’t be in this mess. You could solve a nice, mäsculine case, display your mörally upright and regular detective prowess, and go home to pine over your apricot-flavored, feminine ex.

YOU – Yeah, what the fuck _was_ the deal with that? Because the more you think about it, the crazier it is that you could have ever thought that Kim was your _husband_ or whatever.

AUTHORITY [Legendary: Failure] – Not just because you woke up in your own piss and vomit less than four days ago, not just because you’ve been passing out at the scent of chewing gum, but because of HIM. _Him_? Your _partner_? Give me a fucking break. He may be a homo-sexual, but he’s not _soft_ like you are. He’s not _needy_ , or _pathetic_. He’s cool. Untouchable. You can’t imagine _anyone_ touching him, let alone you.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] – You can’t imagine him allowing you to place one of your big ape paws against his cheek, or slide it over to stroke his hair, just feeling him at first, like you can’t help wanting to do every time he almost-smiles at you, or calls you _detective_ , or is impressed, despite himself, at whatever bullshit you just pulled off. You can’t imagine pressing your lips against the hollow where his jaw meets his neck, then against his lips. Can’t imagine your fingers gripping the short hairs at the nape of his neck, keeping his head still, pulling back so you can see _exactly_ what is flashing across his face, because in that moment, he won’t be able to lock it all down like usual.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Heroic: Success] – And you can’t imagine him touching you back, untucking your shirt and sliding a hand underneath it, up your stomach and to your chest. (His gloves: on or off? Uhh. On for now, off later). His hand, moving to the small of your back, pulling you flush against him like you were when you kissed him on the cheek that first day. Dragging his lips, then his teeth, up your neck. Whispering in your ear what he’d been thinking about over the past days, what he’s wanted to _do_ to you—

SUGGESTION – Oh. It seems that you’re a talented imaginer. Intrepid, even. Brave. _Stupid_.

ENDURANCE – Do you like shit like that? That hömo shit?

  1. It fucking rocks.
  2. This feeling I’m feeling is called “disgusted.”
  3. **I…I don’t know if I like it. I’m an amnesiac.**



INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – You didn’t know even before the amnesia. You can’t get out of this one quite so easily.

ENDURANCE – Yeah, well, either way, you _want to_ know. Not good, officer!

YOU – Well, that whole “untouchable” thing…maybe that’s not even it?

DRAMA – Oh, I simply must hear this one. What else would it be?

VOLITION [Legendary: Success] – Kim’s also untouchable, like, _emotionally_. Is it possible that you just want to see him crack, see him do something that’s not one hundred percent controlled? To be able to put him back together afterwards? To prove your worth, and to make sure he’s human?

AUTHORITY [Heroic: Success] – Maybe even to drag him down a little closer to your own level?

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] – Oh, Harrier. I don’t know how you do it, but that’s even _worse_. That one’s _bad_. Almost as bad as you are.

REACTION SPEED [Medium: Failure] – Lost in your terrible thoughts, you stub your toe and stumble on a cobblestone. 

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Medium: Success] – While you’ve been debasing yourself inside your own idiot brain, your trustworthy, dependable feet have taken you across the water, up the street, and placed you in front of the good old courtyard behind the good old Whirling-in-Rags.

  1. [Inland Empire: Challenging] Wait, I think this one deserves some more thought. Right now.
  2. **[Volition: Medium] Snap out of it. You’ve got some armor pieces to steal.**



VOLITION [Medium: Success] – So you snap out of it. You push that shit as far down inside you as you can right now.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging: Failure] – You’re not sure if your falling-to-pieces body can hold this much…whatever this is. You feel like you’re bursting at the seams. You don’t push it down very far.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – If you stopped by the Frittte to pick up some booze, you could push it waaaay farther.

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] – But you don’t do that. (Maybe later.) You go to grab your boots.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - made a disco blog lol. frittte.tumblr.com. come hang out with me
> 
> 2 - next chapter is coming sooooon and it’s a shorter one but imo it is the most fun one so far. BUT THATS JUST ME HUNCHED OVER MY OWN KEYBOARD GIGGLING OVER MY OWN FIC. i’m having the time of my life here can u tell


	4. Chapter 4

VISUAL CALCULUS [Easy: Success] – The rain has turned the dirt at the entrance of the courtyard into a slurry.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Medium: Success] – You step through it carefully – gotta protect the snakeskin shoes.

SUGGESTION – Hopefully in a few minutes you’ll have some nice, new secondhand footwear.

CUNO – Despite the late hour, that horrible child is still here. He’s crouched down in the mud, poking at something in it with a stick.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Medium: Success] – His female counterpart is nowhere to be seen. Take a moment to be grateful for the small things in life.

CUNO – “Fuck are you back here already for, pig? Cuno was expecting a little peace and quiet.”

LOGIC [Medium: Success] – You may have an uneasy rapport with this juvenile speed addict after you unethically provided him with aforementioned speed, but that doesn’t mean you have to _engage_.

VOLITION – Yeah, what do you even have to say to this kid now? You’re on a mission here. Don’t get distracted.

  1. Say something to Cuno.
  2. **[Volition: Medium] Ignore Cuno.**



VOLITION [Medium: Success] – Ignoring Cuno, you approach the thing on the ground that was once a person.

PERCEPTION [Trivial: Success] – It smells amazingly awful. You really need to get it out of here.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Cuno’s probably going to get a disease from it. Or you are, with what you’re about to do.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Formidable: Success] – Actually, the notion that cadavers constitute disease risks is both widespread and incorrect, probably resulting from the recently-debunked but still popular miasma theory of disease. It might contaminate the groundwater, but that’s relatively unlikely, and unless you ingest massive quantities of the substances produced by decomposition, the risks are really very minimal.

YOU – Sweet! You go about what you’re doing with a very minimal amount of guilt.

ENDURANCE [Challenging – Success] – You lean down and get control over your gag reflex. The more you do this, the easier it is.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] – Up close, you can tell that the decomposition isn’t quite as bad as it smells like it would be. You’re able to quickly yank the greaves off of the corpse’s feet, taking not _very_ but _decently_ minimal amounts of foot along with you.

CUNO – Cuno, watching from a short distance away, looks begrudgingly, mildly impressed. That was pretty gross – he can get behind that.

  1. Say something to Cuno.
  2. **[Volition: Challenging] Ignore Cuno.**



VOLITION [Challenging: Success] – You keep ignoring Cuno.

YOU – Hey, why do I keep wanting to say something to Cuno? I haven’t really liked saying things to Cuno when I’ve done that in the past.

SUGGESTION – Can’t know until you give it a try, baby.

VOLITION – I’ll say this: you’re about to have a really stupid idea.

SUGGESTION – Way to sell it.

YOU – No, no, that’s not a bad pitch. I’m kinda curious.

SUGGESTION – Now we’re talkin'!

  1. **Say something to Cuno.**
  2. [Volition: Formidable] Ignore Cuno.



YOU – Apparently you haven’t had your stupid idea yet, because all you can think to say is, “Hey, Cuno.”

CUNO – He squints at you suspiciously. “What does the f*g want from Cuno now?”

SUGGESTION [Challenging: Success] – THAT’S IT!

YOU – You clear your throat. “Actually, Cuno, that word you just called me – what does it _mean_?”

CUNO – Cuno’s not sure what to make of that question. “Pig doesn’t know what f*g means?”

  1. “Nah, just testing your knowledge of slurs, kid.”
  2. **“Pig doesn’t know much of anything right now, Cuno.”**



YOU – As the words leave your mouth, you tap your finger against your temple, the universal gesture for “bender-onset amnesia.”

CUNO – Cuno is suddenly businesslike. “All right, piggy. You really don’t know shit? The Cuno’s responsible for you? Then the Cuno’s gonna do his best.”

YOU – You’re oddly touched. You nod for him to go on.

CUNO – “A f*g is a homo. A homo is a man who fucks another man. Up the ass. Or gets fucked by another man. You know, like Cuno was saying you were doing to him when you first showed up.”

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Success] – You do _not_ want him to get on that subject again. Get in there in quickly with another question.

YOU – “And that’s…the same as a f****t? Or different?”

CUNO – “Same thing.” Now he’s suspicious again. “Why do you want to know?”

  1. “Just wanted to make sure that’s the word I’m really looking for before I start peppering it into my everyday speech. Which I’m gonna do. Starting now.”
  2. “Just wanted to make sure before I told you that you really oughtn’t be using that word – it’s unpleasant, and impolite.”
  3. **Uhh…yeah, why _do_ I wanna know?**



INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success] – You want to know because that’s what Cuno was calling you, remember? And although great chunks of your past are missing, you’re pretty sure that, at the very least, the days since your arrival in Martinaise have not involved fucking any men. Or getting fucked by them.

YOU – “Ok, Cuno, why were you calling me that?”

  1. “Is it because you can see into my soul and have pronounced it to be the soul of a f****t?”
  2. **“Is it because you heard that, uh, I said that Kim and I were kinda married or something?”**



LOGIC [Easy: Success] – You can’t be one hundred percent sure, but that one sounds more likely.

CUNO – “Congrats, pigs. Bet it was a lovely wedding.”

YOU – “No, no, we’re not really! I just thought when we first met that we—actually, you know what, that’s not important. I just want to know if you heard about it, and if that’s why—”

CUNO – “Fuckin’ course you’re not married, f*g. And no, Cuno didn’t hear that. Cuno doesn’t go around trying to _hear_ shit. Cuno doesn’t work with snitches.”

YOU – “Cool, yeah, but since you didn’t hear, I was still just wondering why you, oh wait, why you’re actually _still_ calling me a f*g…”

AUTHORITY [Legendary: Failure] – You’ve made a mistake. Cuno’s smelled weakness.

CUNO – “Cuno calls everybody f*g, _f*g_. Oh, did cop think he was special? He think Cuno was tapping into some shit inside him? Cuno don’t care enough for that.”

  1. **“Right, right, of course.”**
  2. “Fuck.”



DRAMA [Easy: Success] – Of course that wasn’t what you were thinking. ‘Twould be an insane thing to think. You can say in all honestly that it did not consciously occur to you to think that.

YOU – That said, you’re remembering why you didn’t want to talk to Cuno in the first place.

  1. “Cuno, look, I just really need to pick your brain about this whole f****t business.”
  2. **“Well, kid, this was great, but I gotta jet.”**



CUNO – His shout of “Fuck does Cuno care?” echoes behind you as you walk out of the courtyard.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] – You know, this has been, on average, a moderate victory.

SUGGESTION – You don’t love how that Cuno business just played out – even apart from his calling you names, there’s a piece of you that wonders whether you should involve a _child_ in whatever you’ve got going on, even if that child is Cuno. But fuck it, right? Anyway, the important thing is, you got your _boots_.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – Your _disgusting_ boots. You’ve got to clean them before you spend another second in their company, so you turn left, enter the Whirling, wait until Garte’s back is turned, and slip into the kitchen.

INTERFACING [Easy: Success] – There, you avail yourself of a huge stock pot, some water, and massive amounts of vinegar. Time to make some soup.

YOU – You throw those ingredients in along with the boots, and you’re waiting…waiting…for the mixture to come to a nice boil when it occurs to you.

VOLITION [Formidable: Failure] – This isn’t just gross – it’s also _boring_.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Even worse, this downtime might even get you _thinking_ again, about all the shit you’re really trying to not think about.

  1. [Volition: Legendary] Just wait until they’re done cooking and head back to your shack.
  2. **Don’t do that. Do something else.**



YOU – You leave the kitchen, hoping that nobody will be in there to check what’s on the stove this late while you’re gone.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – Your feet carry you up the stairs and down the hallway, and you don’t realize until you’re already there that you were headed for the balcony.

PERCEPTION [Trivial: Success] – Where Kim is, smoking his single daily cigarette.

SHIVERS [Medium: Success] – He’s lit up in the glow of the windows and neon behind and beneath you, the sharp bones and fine creases of his face made dramatic. The contrast between the harsh light and the night’s darkness probably isn’t doing you any favors, but it suits him. He looks like part of the city, like he belongs here – in Martinaise, in Revachol. On a balcony, in front of you.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim nods at you. “Detective. I saw you on the street a moment ago – I was wondering if you would come up.”

YOU – Fuck! It had absolutely not occurred to you that this was a possibility when you were on the street a moment ago! Time to come up with a reason you’re here. He can’t know about the armor.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Legendary: Failure] – But you find that you’re not coming up with anything. Or, you are, but the things you’re coming up with are _not the right things_ – it’s all the stuff, Kim-related or otherwise, that you were trying to tamp down earlier. You feel like your skin is too tight for your organs, like with every breath in your lungs are in danger of bursting out of your chest.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] – You’re on autopilot, son. Your body moves you over to stand next to him, one of your hands gripping the railing in a way that’s meant to be casual but is definitely just making your knuckles whiten.

KIM MITSURAGI – He looks down at that hand, next to his own elbow. You’ve been silent too long, so he tries again. “Not that I don’t welcome the company, but – why have you come back?”

  1. **[Rhetoric: Heroic] – Think quick! Say something!**
  2. [Physical Instrument: Godly] - Move quick! Do something!



RHETORIC [Heroic: Failure] – There is no quick thinking happening here. All you can do is panic and buy yourself a little more time.

YOU – “KimIhadsomethingtoaskyou!”

DRAMA – If this is a lie, sire, it’s only one on a technicality. You may not quite know it, but you have _many_ things to ask Kim.

KIM KITSURAGI – He blinks, taking a second to decipher that string of sounds. Then he exhales. “As long as it’s not just asking me to tell you a secret again, ask away.”

YOU – Well, that was Plan A, so you’re not sure what’s going to come out when you open your mouth.

RHETORIC [Formidable: Success] – But open it you do, because when you’re still a little fuzzy on what the stakes are, you are nothing if not stupidly brave.

YOU – “Is homo-sexuality…not allowed?”

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success] – _Detective_. You’ve still got it. You are about to crack this thing _wide open_.

YOU – “Are _homo-sexual acts_ supposed to be, like… _not good_?”

PERCEPTION [Formidable: Success] – Kim’s eyes widen.

EMPATHY [Easy: Success] – That is not what he was expecting.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Challenging: Success] – But he’s going to do his best. He’s your partner – he’s at least partially responsible for you and for the hole in your head, out of duty _and_ out of active choice. So he clinically arranges his thoughts, then his face, then turns to look you in the eye.

YOU – His manner reminds you, horribly, for one second, of Cuno’s, when you were getting schooled in the ways of slurs just a few minutes ago. You stifle a hysterical laugh, imagining them unionizing after what you’ve put them through tonight.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Such acts are…certainly illegal. The laws are not always consistently enforced – there’s a flourishing underground, in some areas – but it’s still an _underground_.”

PERCEPTION [Formidable: Failure] – His oh-so-serious expression almost cracks for a second – into what, you can’t tell – but he successfully reins it back in.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim is choosing his words carefully. “As for _not good_ , well. I’m afraid I’m not an unbiased source.”

RHETORIC [Legendary: Failure] – Oh fuck, he’s saying they’re _bad_?? Bad-not fun or bad- _wrong_???

VISUAL CALCULUS [Heroic: Success] - No. He’s saying he’s _not unbiased_. You can tell because: this is what Kim’s face looks like when he’s _making a joke_ about this.

YOU – You suddenly lose the ability to look him in the eye. You slump over, leaning with your forearms on the railing, dropping your head into your hands. Certain things become quite clear.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Formidable: Success] – The regulations regarding homo-sexuality are what you barely skimmed in the RCM Code of Conduct that existed in your mind’s eye earlier. If you’d actually read them, you would have discovered that “gross indecency, defined as inappropriate contact between members of the same sex, is a vice not befitting officers of the aforementioned Militia, and constitutes grounds for court-martial and expulsion.” The language, a little vague, a little clinical, is lifted almost directly from the statutes of Revachol.

RHETORIC – Can’t make it sound too interesting – people might get _ideas_.

LOGIC [Challenging: Success] – More importantly? What you assumed about…you and Kim when you first met? You knew that was bad, but now you know it was _bad_. Like, potentially-stops-you-from-doing-your-jobs-well bad, maybe even dangerous-bad at the very worst?

CONCEPTUALIZATION – And it’s worse for Kim, since he’s the one who’s _actually_ …

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – Well. Don’t finish that thought just yet, Harry-boy.

YOU – You groan into your hands. Cracking your fingers over your eyes and turning your head, you sneak a glance at Kim.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Challenging: Failure] – It’s not sneaky. He’s right here. He’s been peering at you carefully this whole time.

EMPATHY – Well, he thinks, this isn’t _uninteresting_. But he’s not exactly sure what it _is_. What have you two been _talking_ about, when you talked about his homo-sexuality and the smoker on the balcony and especially a certain delusion you were briefly suffering under the first day, if you didn’t know _this_?

  1. [Drama: Impossible] Convince him this is all a mistake on _his_ part and you’ve actually understood literally everything in the world perfectly this whole time.
  2. **[Conceptualization: Legendary] Explain to him what’s been going on inside your head.**
  3. [Savoir Faire: Medium] Tell him you’re just fucking with him.



CONCEPTUALIZATION [Legendary: Failure] – It would be easier to explain if _you_ understood it. But you do your best, which isn’t awful, considering.

YOU – “I knew it was an _underground_ , but I didn’t think about the _implications_ , and that’s when I even knew it existed _at all_ , which I didn’t the first time I saw you, I just knew some other stuff about how you were around me even then and, I guess, fuck, how _I_ was around _you_ , but I didn’t _know_ I knew that one, and I know you’re thinking, like, what were we even talking about this whole time—”

RHETORIC – You were doing so weirdly well up until that last part.

PERCEPTION – When you get to the thing about _knowing what he’s thinking_ , Kim stiffens.

KIM KITSURAGI – He speaks softly. “Whatever you’re doing, however you’re doing it, Harry, please, I’d rather you didn’t.”

PERCEPTION [Trivial: Success] – He called you “Harry.”

DRAMA [Godly: Success] – Liege, what he spake was…ninety percent true. Ten percent false. But you can’t tell him you know about that other ten percent.

YOU – You’re not about to tell him _anything_ right now. Insanely, horribly, every cell in your body is _zinging_ from that “Harry, please.” You need a moment.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – And then you need him to say your name again.

ENDURANCE – No, you need to say something. Man up, officer. The only way out is through.

SUGGESTION [Medium: Success] – There’s another thing you want to ask him. And if you keep talking, you and Kim are both gonna find out what that thing is.

  1. [Authority: Medium] Power through. Come on.
  2. **[Savoir Faire: Easy] Pussy out. Change the subject ASAP.**



SAVOIR FAIRE [Easy: Success] – “Actually, Kim,” you say, “I _didn’t_ come back here to ask you about this homo-sexuality business. I came back here to steal the boots off the corpse, which I already did, and I’m boiling the disgusting rotten flesh off of them in a stock pot in the kitchen downstairs, which, oh wait, should be coming to a nice simmer right about now. So I gotta go take care of that. See you tomorrow!”

HALF LIGHT [Trivial: Success] – You walk away too quickly, open and then slam the door to the balcony behind you too loudly, and skitter down the stairs into the kitchen like a fucking prey animal.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Challenging: Success] – You’re gingerly fishing your new boots (new boots!) out of their horrifying pot of flesh soup, and just narrowly avoid dropping them back in when it occurs to you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] – You didn’t even think to ask Kim to bum a cigarette when he was smoking up there. Yeah, he probably just had his one, but you could’ve _asked_. But oh no, you were perfectly fine just spilling your guts to him. It was humiliating and tragic but you’d honestly like to do it again, stat. Is this homo-sexual shit _addictive_?

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – As you’re leaving the Whirling, one boot tucked under each arm, you risk a glance up towards the balcony. Kim isn’t there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - “this is going to be a shorter chapter” i said last time. reader it was meant to be ~1k but it is the same length as all the others. why? these guys are sooooooooooo fun to write
> 
> 2 - i think the greaves soup is a top five funniest disco joke. lord forgive me
> 
> 3 - more soon hopefully :) once again come hang with me @ frittte on tumblr in the meantime


	5. Chapter 5

YOU – As you walk away from the fishing village, it occurs to you how much of this week you’ve spent just walking from one location to the next.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – And, recently, on a leg with a hole in it.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] – Matches the hole in the church.

INLAND EMPIRE [Formidable: Success] – And the one in your head.

PAIN THRESHOLD [Challenging: Failure] – This time, though, is different. And not just because of the pain shooting up your thigh with every step.

YOU – You’ve walked with Kim. Occasionally by yourself, when he was busy taking away the body, and, of course, the night you stole your boots.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – Now, they’re here too. Jean. Judit. Trant. Your new comrades in arms, as they've made clear to you in the debriefing of sorts that just took place. Or rather, your old ones. Jean walks up ahead with Kim, speaking to him just quietly enough that you can’t hear what they’re saying, while you, Trant, and Judit follow.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM – “You know, since we’re here, I thought I might want to ask a few more questions, just to evaluate the extent of your exposure to…the _anomalies_ we’ve spoken of. There are a few tests I’d like to— ”

JUDIT MINOT – “Trant, please. Do we need to do this now?”

  1. “No, whatever it is, I want to know, I guess.”
  2. **Oh _please_ not right now. **



RHETORIC [Formidable: Failure] – You don’t really respond with words, just a groan as your injured leg valiantly performs its regular duties, just less effectively than usual.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM – Trant seems to get the picture.

ENDURANCE – This isn’t sustainable. At this rate, with this much pain, you’re gonna collapse pretty soon. You need a distraction.

AUTHORITY [Challenging: Success] – Tell them you want to run some tests on _them_ right back!

YOU – “Actually, I have some questions for _you_.”

JUDIT MINOT – Judit is wary, but game. “What questions?”

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] – She’s relieved to have you back. May not look it, but she is. So’s everybody else, though they may look it even less.

  1. **“So how fucking sorry are all of you for doubting me about (you gesture expansively) all this shit?”**
  2. “So how fucking sorry should I be for (you gesture a little less expansively) all the shit I did to you?”



JUDIT MINOT – “Pardon me?”

YOU – You hadn’t thought through what would happen after asking this. You just really didn’t want to ask the other one. You manage a weak, “Yeah, the…phasmid? And, like, the end of days?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE – Jean’s apparently listening from where he’s walking up front. “Nobody better fucking answer that,” he snaps, breaking off the conversation he and Kim had been having. “We didn’t doubt you about the phasmid. Ten minutes ago you just told us about it and we said, fine, sure, great. And the end of days…” He trails off.

SHIVERS [Challenging: Success] – He has nothing to say about the end of days. It’s undeniable.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – Or he just doesn’t want to lose it at you in front of the officers he’s leading, of the team he’s essentially run _for you_ since long before you descended into this current…crisis. Can’t have mommy and daddy fighting.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success] – Your previous crises weren’t quite so earth-shattering, but it seems as though you’ve been a lieutenant double-yefretoir in name only for a while now.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Success] – Before this week, that is.

SUGGESTION [Medium: Success] – Ignore the fact that Jean kinda just answered your question after he told everybody not to. He wouldn’t like it if you pointed that out.

  1. **“So how fucking sorry should I be for (you gesture a little less expansively) all the shit I did to you?”**



REACTION SPEED [Heroic: Failure] – Yeah, this is the one you didn’t want to ask. Too late now, baby.

JEAN VICQUEMARE – Jean’s not loving this question either. “Oh for—Not this. Not again. Someone else fucking take this one.” He walks a little more quickly, putting some distance between you and himself.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim matches Jean’s pace, still not saying anything. He doesn’t like to get into interdepartmental squabbles. This isn’t his problem.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – It’s not his problem _yet_. Give him a few days to get his transfer paperwork in.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM – “I’m just a consultant. I believe I’ll sit this one out as well.”

YOU – You look at Judit. Last one standing.

SUGGESTION – You know, it would be _nicer_ if she didn’t tell you—

JUDIT MINOT – “Harry, look. It’s a lot. You should be very sorry. You were always drunk on the job – well, I suppose you were always drunk off the job as well, but I wouldn’t necessarily know _so_ much about that,” – she quickly glances towards Jean, who appears to be very carefully not listening, then looks back at you.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Easy: Success] – Jean’s totally listening. So’s Kim. And Trant. Obviously.

JUDIT MINOT – “You were terrible to your colleagues, to your trainees, to _suspects_ and _witnesses_ , in just about every way you can imagine. You were – honestly, you were _weird_. The end times business isn’t new. You would scream at us about the coming fire, or the flood, and you went through this _phase_ where you were convinced technology was ushering it in more quickly, so you kept shooting the station radio. We would buy a replacement and a day or two later you would just _take the new one out back_ and _shoot_ it like an dog. We were all just happy you didn’t do it _in_ the station—” She sighs, cutting herself off. “I could list more things you owe apologies for. But we’d be here all day, and I’m not certain that would help anything.”

  1. “That’s all so awful.”
  2. **“That’s all so awful. Except maybe the thing with the radio is just a _little_ bit funny.”**
  3. “Sounds like I was just doing what needed to be done.”



JUDIT MINOT – Judit’s lips quirk up. “Maybe a little,” she admits.

TRANT HEIDELSTAM – “I can assure you, it was not at the time.”

JUDIT MINOT – “No. Especially not to you, Harry – you were so serious about it.”

EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – Which is why she’s happy that you think it’s funny now.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim has apparently been listening in this whole time, because he looks back at you and lets a tiny laugh escape at this.

PERCEPTION [Challenging: Success] – It’s not a laugh, really. Or—no one else can tell it’s a laugh, since it’s technically just a little exhale of air. But you know it is.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] – That’s how good you’ve gotten at reading Kim. You’ve taxonomized his laughs, his expressions of frustration, disgust, the way a corner of his mouth turns down when he’s uncomfortable, the way his face just slides into this mask when he’s _really_ uncomfortable.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Legendary: Success] – And, over the past few days, there have been certain ways he’s been looking at you that you don’t yet know how to categorize. Or that you’re afraid to, in case you’re getting it all wrong, as you’ve been known to do all the fucking time.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – Hey, wanna see just _how_ good you are at all that?

YOU – Huh?

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – At reading him. Wanna know what he and Jean were talking about just before all this?

  1. Fuck, no. I’m sure they’re saying something awful about me.
  2. **Obviously.**



ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] – Oh, huh. This one’s easy.

EMPATHY – Fun fact: turns out you’re really good at reading Jean too. Who would’ve thought?

LOGIC [Medium: Success] – You would’ve thought. He’s been your partner for years. This muscle has been developed, even if you don’t remember the workouts.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – Anyway. Here it is:

JEAN VICQUEMARE – “Lieutenant Kitsuragi, you know you don’t have to, right?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Kim.” He corrects Jean.

AUTHORITY – Hold up, Jean gets Kim privileges already? Did you ever officially get Kim privileges?

LOGIC – No. Because you just took them immediately.

JEAN VICQUEMARE – “ _Kim_. Look. I—I respect your work, I respect you, it’s not about that, and I guess Harry is over the fucking moon for you if you’ve really gotten him to stop drinking this week, that’s just great—”

EMPATHY – Jean resents that. Not the Kim part, not exactly, just that you never quit for more than three or four days at a time for _him_. Oof, detective. That one’s fucking sad.

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – You can’t see from here – and wait, this is only happening in your mind’s eye anyway, we’re on replay here, remember – but you just _know_ Kim’s ears turn pink at this. You’ve been the only other detective around lately – when _another_ one shows up and starts… _detecting_ him too, and about _you_ , Harry – that’s a lot for him. _Over the moon_ is a lot for him.

YOU – For you too, apparently, because your stomach does a little flip at all of that.

KIM KITSURAGI – “I’m sensing a _but_ coming.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE – “—And I’d love to have you at the 41st. _But_ , you’ve babysat him for long enough, here. You don’t have to come back and keep doing that.”

EMPATHY – Ooh, so maybe this _is_ a little bit of a Kim thing on Jean’s part. He’s territorial – you may have told him you have a new, cooler partner back when you saw him in the Whirling for the first time – fuck, _not_ for the first time – but you’re still his mess to clean up.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim can see that too, actually. And now he’s found his footing again – Jean might have gotten him earlier with the _over the moon_ business, but now he’s got something on Jean too. So he says, “Oh. I thought you were his partner, at the 41st?”

JEAN VICQUEMARE – He’s abashed, just a little. “Yeah. I mean, I am. But there’s being partners and then there’s being, well…”

REACTION SPEED – Being what?

HALF LIGHT – Being fucking what??

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim sighs. “I understand, satellite-officer. I’ll of course inform you if my thinking on the matter evolves.”

YOU – Your stomach’s not doing flips anymore. It’s in free-fall.

JUDIT MINOT – “…I think, don’t you, Harry?”

REACTION SPEED – She was saying something to you! Get with it!

  1. [Reaction Speed: Challenging] “Yeah, I _do_ think.”
  2. [Reaction Speed: Formidable] “Hell no, I _don’t_ think.”
  3. [Pain Threshold: Impossible] “Do you think Kim _and_ Jean _both_ hate me, and if so exactly how much?”
  4. **“Uhh…what did you say?”**



JUDIT MINOT – “I’m sorry, I know you’re in pain right now, from the walk – you know what? Never mind. We have time later.”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Legendary: Success] – She’s reminded you of it, so yeah, you’ve been walking through it, but you sure fucking are in pain. You just nod.

VISUAL CALCULUS Luckily for your leg, your walk is over. You find yourself back in front of the Whirling, and when you stop, you all end up kind of across from each other. You’re not _not_ mirroring the positions everyone was in during the shootout earlier.

YOU – You note this semi-clinically and semi-hysterically.

JEAN VICQUEMARE – “Time to get out of here. You probably don’t fucking know where your apartment is, right, Harry?”

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Godly: Failure] – Oh, you totally don’t.

YOU – “Great detective work, Jean.”

JEAN VICQUEMARE – He rolls his eyes. “You’re lucky _I_ do.”

LOGIC [Challenging: Success] – Even if he does, you also don’t have your _keys_.

YOU – “Uh, do you _also_ know where I—"

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim coughs, interrupting. “You know, Harry and I had talked about staying in Martinaise tonight. Just to tie up some loose ends and finish writing our reports, since this case was so…detail-heavy.”

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] – Detail-heavy. A polite way to say fucking weird.

LOGIC [Easy: Success] - Wait. You didn’t talk about that with Kim??

SAVOIR FAIRE [Challenging: Success] – Shut up. He’s _saving_ you. Even after that talk with Jean, he’s still helping you out.

YOU – Oh shit. You feel something rising in your throat, behind your eyes.

COMPOSURE [Formidable: Success] – Don’t react. Don’t tear up. Don’t fucking do it.

INLAND EMPIRE – Do you want to call a locksmith tonight? Even worse, do you want to see what’s _in_ the apartment that belonged to past-you, an even sadder fuck than present-you?

  1. “What are you talking about, Kim?”
  2. **[Drama: Challenging] “Right! Staying! Like we absolutely talked about!”**



DRAMA [Challenging: Success] – You even manage to throw in a couple of finger guns. One aimed at Jean, the other at Kim. *Click-click.*

JEAN VICQUEMARE – Jean backs off. (It’s definitely a backing off.) “Great, shitkid. Now I know for sure you’re brain-damaged because you’d never have agreed to stay to do _paperwork_ two weeks ago.”

EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – The key thing hasn’t occurred to him. But he is just a little bit relieved that he’s not going to have to be stuck in a motor carriage with you all the way back to Jamrock. The wounds are fresh – confined spaces with Harry Du Bois are something he’s going to have to work up to. 

PERCEPTION – So, raising his hand behind him, he walks back to his motor carriage. Judit and Trant follow.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – It’s not a momentuous goodbye. They’re all very casual. Which makes sense, because you’ll be seeing them soon. In your regular, normal life as an officer of the 41st precinct.

YOU – You watch them walk away.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim watches you watch them. Then he watches your shoulders relaxing from the position they’ve been in as you’ve been walking. Watches as you exhale, blink, give your head a little shake, trying to get adjusted to finding yourself in a new reality for, fuck, about the ten thousandth time in the past few days.

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] – He notices all of these things.

COMPOSURE [Legendary: Failure] – He still hasn’t said anything. And under his steady gaze, you start to get a little twitchy.

YOU – “Great, well, thanks for that back there, if I’m staying here I’d better get back to the shack, wish I hadn’t walked over here but I would have hated to miss that team bonding we just all got up to, right?”

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – Kim is customarily an _alone time_ person. He wants to listen to the radio, take a shower, decompress. You’re going to do him a favor by getting outta here before he has to ask.

KIM KITSURAGI – He wasn’t expecting that, though. “Back to the—what for? We’ll have to eat here, and I need to check your bandages again eventually, but if there’s something you left there we could certainly collect it another time, if it’s not urgent—”

LOGIC [Easy: Success] – He didn’t think you’d be going back there.

YOU – “Uh, Kim? If I don’t go back there, how am I gonna spend the night here?”

VISUAL CALCULUS [Formidable: Success] – You see him seeing an out. He considers it carefully. Then – oh god, oh fuck – you can precisely identify the moment he decides to take a certain plunge.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Well, I suppose I assumed – of course you needn’t, but you could stay in the Whirling tonight. With me – I’m assuming your money situation isn’t fully resolved?” He smirks a little at that, then grows serious. “And I’d really rather monitor your injury a little more closely – if it becomes infected from walking through the mud all day, I’d rather it happen on my watch.”

VOLITION [Godly: Failure] – On his watch – his practical, careful watch. The fact that he’d _rather_ —

YOU – “Sure, Kim.” There aren’t any other options. What the hell else are you going to say?

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – You follow him as he walks into the Whirling, up the stairs, and into the middle room in the hallway.

YOU – Despite yourself, you’d still been expecting to him to keep walking down to the room farthest from the stairs, the one you’d started out in. You knew he’d moved – when you were lying there in that very room after getting shot he’d told you how he asked Garte to switch him after he lugged back over the mattress that you’d so thoughtfully stolen for him – but you still think of that one as your, _plural_ , room, so.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Medium: Success] – There have been a good number of your, _plural_ s with Kim lately. Your room. Your case. Your cryptid. Has he been thinking of them like that too?

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Heroic: Success] – Oh, yes. Of course he has. Here’s a bonus: he’s even been thinking of one or two other your, _plural_ s lately too, but that’s not my place to say.

COMPOSURE – That barely makes sense, but just thinking it makes you squirm a little. You’re in deep.

YOU – Deep in what?

COMPOSURE – You know.

YOU – I mean, yeah, I do, but it’s…look, maybe I need some help spelling it out. It’s kind of a lot.

COMPOSURE [Challenging: Success] – It _is_ a lot. You want him, Harry.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] – You want whatever he’d give to you. You’d take anything. Which is, yeah, a little sad.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] – But if you got to choose? You want to touch him. You want him to touch you. Pretty fucking bad.

YOU – You know this. Apart from, well, your huge fucking important case, it’s pretty much all you’ve been thinking about since you figured out exactly what homo-sexuality was, since you talked to him that night on the balcony and asked him if it was _not good_ , and since you got back to the shack afterwards and decided that you may not be an expert (although, right, you also may, who knows, but you kinda doubt it), no, you’re pretty sure, _not good_ is not what _that_ would be like. With him.

VOLITION – This wanting doesn’t make it so you stop feeling like you were punched in the gut every time you think about your ex.

PAIN THRESHOLD – Actually, it makes that worse, because you feel guilty on top of it all. Like wanting Kim is making the pain you feel over her less real. Which is obviously bullshit because, like, look how fucking bad you feel! That’s absolutely the realest thing! But still.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Not that it matters, though, right? Because you shouldn’t want that. You shouldn’t want to do that to him – get him involved with you. He’s too— _good_ for you to drag him down with you.

LOGIC – And not that, you know, he wants you too, or anything. You’ve got no good reason to think that one.

YOU – Right. Yeah. That too.

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Failure] – And again, Kim’s said something, but you were too busy agonizing to hear him.

YOU – You stare at him blankly.

KIM KITSURAGI – “I said, your leg must be killing you. You need to take some drouamine, and probably to eat something too, it’s been a long time.”

YOU – Your leg _is_ killing you, and now that you think about it, you’re pretty starving too.

  1. "Yeah, I’d love some drouamine."
  2. "No, I need something stronger than drouamine."
  3. "Food would be good."
  4. **Kind of stare at him because you don’t have the mental capacity to make a decision right now as a long day’s worth of adrenaline, pain, exhaustion, _joy_ , weirdly, and who the fuck knows what else is hitting you at once. **



KIM KITSURAGI – He gets it, apparently, because he takes charge. “Right. So what we’re going to do is, you’re going to take some pain medication and take a shower, I’m going to go downstairs and see if the kitchen’s open, I’m going to take a shower, we’re going to eat. Then we’ll go from there.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Challenging: Success] – This isn’t just for your benefit. To him, it’s like writing in his notebook. It’s grounding.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] – But it absolutely benefits you too. You get to turn off your brain and just follow directions.

YOU – You dry-swallow the pills he digs out of a pocket, prompting a wince but no commentary from him. Then you shuffle into the bathroom. You realize, as you’re taking off your clothes, that you don’t really know what to do with the bandages taped to your thigh, that pull on the hair of your leg as you prod at the edges gently. (Fuck, ow, fuck.)

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Should you get them wet? Can you take them off? You consider these options for a moment, then decide you’re not emotionally ready to deal with whatever the fuck is going on inside your physical flesh.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Challenging: Success] – You mostly keep your leg out of the shower, and when it’s time to wash around the area, you hold the sleeve of your raincoat over it with one hand to prevent the water from getting in.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – This is great because it gives you a (mildly demanding, in your state) physical task to concentrate on that continues to prevent you from thinking your own thoughts.

YOU – By the time you’re out and you’ve dressed yourself in your cleanest clothes, which include, tragically, a brown boring pants and awful silk robe combination (not actually such a demanding task, the getting dressed, which makes you think the drouamine must be kicking in), Kim’s back.

KIM KITSURAGI – He’s carefully balancing two massive bowls of borscht. “It’s not the _special_ borscht. I got there before it could be, uh, made special.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Damn. You fucking wish.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – But even the un-special borscht is looking great right now. It smells incredible.

KIM KITSURAGI – He places the bowls down on the desk. “I’m going to shower as well, if you’re done in the bathroom.”

YOU – “Yeah, yeah, cool.” You can’t take your eyes off the bowls.

KIM KITSURAGI – You’re probably missing some Kim facial expressions as he gathers up a change of clothes and leaves for the bathroom, shutting the door with a click behind him.

YOU – You’re left alone with your bowl of borscht. Do you like borscht? Or is it just that you’re suddenly hungrier than you can remember ever being?

LOGIC [Medium: Success] – That’s not saying much, technically. But it does make sense that you’re starving right now. It’s been some kind of day, during which many kinds of energy were expended.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – You’ve sat down in front of the desk and inhaled the bowl of borscht before Kim leaves the bathroom, so when he comes back and perches on the bed, folding one of his legs under him, all you really have to do is stare at the damp hair at the nape of his neck, the way his t-shirt clings a little to his chest and shoulders.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Easy: Success] – So you do that. You turn your chair a little so you can do that better.

YOU – Oh, shit, the thoughts are coming back.

LOGIC [Medium: Success] – That makes sense – you’re not so exhausted and hollow-feeling anymore now that you’re on some painkillers and you have some food in your stomach. This is good.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] – Uh, no, actually. Remember? Thoughts _bad_. These thoughts, at least.

SUGGESTION [Formidable: Success] – Start talking! Don’t say anything weird!

  1. **“So, how ‘bout that phasmid?”**
  2. “So, how ‘bout my colleagues?”
  3. “Should we do the case notes and the reports and stuff?”
  4. “Tell me a secret about yourself.”



KIM KITSURAGI – He smiles. “How about it indeed. I can’t say I didn’t doubt you, but when we _saw_ it – and the _photo_! If we hadn’t gotten the photo I would be out trekking through the reeds with my camera right now.”

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] – He would. He won’t say more, but he was absolutely taken with it. It was outside the bounds of the life he had decided he would live, certainly, but it’s sometimes it’s nice when something comes along and gives you the unmistakable, unreturnable gift of an opportunity to change your mind.

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Heroic: Success] – That sounds familiar. Oh wait! That’s also what _you_ did.

YOU – You’re going to ignore that last thought and press on.

  1. “So, how ‘bout my colleagues?”
  2. **“Should we do the case notes and the reports and stuff?”**
  3. “Tell me a secret about yourself.”



YOU – You steel yourself, imagining a long night of paperwork.

KIM KITSURAGI – He looks faintly embarrassed. “I know I said that, but I can think of very little I’d like to do less right now. I don’t imagine you would mind putting them off until the morning?”

VOLITION [Heroic: Failure] – Fucking sweet. You don’t remember how to write a report and you don’t want to learn.

YOU – You nod maybe a little too enthusiastically.

LOGIC [Challenging: Failure]– Yeah. Sweet. So why exactly are you here instead of back in Jamrock right now, then?

YOU – Nope. Not thinking anymore. Taking this one as a win. Moving on.

  1. **“So, how ‘bout my colleagues?”**
  2. “Tell me a secret about yourself.”



KIM KITSURAGI – He waits for you to elaborate. He’s going to tread carefully here too.

YOU – “Uhh. Just that they all hate me, and when you work with them they’re gonna convert you to hating me too? Which is, like, their right?”

LOGIC [Formidable: Success]– You’ve managed to imply that he’s definitely transferring, that he doesn’t currently hate you, and that he’ll certainly hate you in the future. 0 for 3. Really nice one.

KIM – “Well, detective, I’m not sure about any of that. I imagine they might need some time. But I am looking forward to…” He pauses, considers. Then you can see it in his eyes: oh, fuck it. “Personally, I’m looking forward to working with them. I’ll be requesting that transfer paperwork when I return tomorrow.”

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – He smiles. Not a Kim-smile, something half concealed – a real smile, an obvious one.

EMPATHY [Legendary: Success] – The smile he smiles when he’s not controlling himself, which is when he’s alone, and even then only sometimes.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success] – But he’s not alone. You’re there.

VOLITION [Medium: Success] – You still need to ask him about what you overheard Jean saying earlier. You’re still nervous about that. But it doesn’t sound like his _thinking on the matter_ is _evolving_ in this regard. So it can wait.

YOU – You’re already smiling back at him. You couldn’t have stopped that one if you wanted to.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – Just two detectives, grinning at each other.

  1. **“Tell me a secret about yourself.”**



YOU – You’re not really expecting a secret – this is just a reflex at this point.

KIM KITSURAGI – “No.” He’s still smiling.

LOGIC – Good instincts.

SUGGESTION – But he’s going on.

COMPOSURE – Wait, what??

KIM KITSURAGI – “Did you think this time would finally do it? Obviously not. Where’s the _subtlety_? Where are those _superstar detective_ skills?”

CONCEPTUALIZATION – He’s teasing you.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – This is an insane reaction to a tiny thing. And he’s even teased you before, about your clothes, your politics, your style of detective work, the way you think. But I’m still just the messenger. So: it makes you _shiver_.

PERCEPTION – And—he’s still going on.

KIM KITSURAGI – “ _You_ tell me a secret, Harrier.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1 - hello, chapter that is twice as long as I meant it to be! also remember when i thought this would be 4 chapters and under 10k lol.
> 
> 2 - precinct 41 is soooooooooo fun to write even though they're here for one second in this. more of this.....in a subsequent fic.........perhaps


	6. Chapter 6

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – Kim holds your gaze steadily. There is, quite suddenly, no air left in your lungs.

VISUAL CALCULUS [Formidable: Success] – The full-on grin from earlier is gone, replaced with a smirk playing at the corner of his mouth. He _knows_. Knows what he’s just done to you. He’s playing with you, just a little, and you know it, and he knows you know it.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Easy: Success] – This doesn’t make it any less—well, electric. Actually, makes it _more_.

YOU – “I mean, that’s not really fair, since you never actually told me a secret and I definitely asked first…”

KIM KITSURAGI – He considers this. “Mm, no, not really. But nevertheless.” The smirk is still there.

COMPOSURE [Heroic: Failure] – You are totally unable to _not_ tell him a secret.

AUTHORITY [Medium: Success] – He’s not doing his eyebrow trick – he’s not making you, he’s barely doing more than asking. So this isn’t him – it’s all _you_.

YOU – Are there even any secrets left in here? Haven’t I just been going around saying whatever I want to whoever I want?

INLAND EMPIRE [Formidable: Success] – Oh, yes. There are. Some you know, some you still don’t. This is just a taste.

  1. **“I used to be a really bad person.”**
  2. “Have you ever called me Harrier before? Wait, who am I kidding, I would definitely remember if you had. Anyway, the secret is, I like it.”
  3. [Volition: Heroic] Tell him about all of your awful _thoughts_ and _feelings_. The ones about _him_.
  4. “I really can read your mind sometimes.”



RHETORIC [Formidable: Success] – Well. That wasn’t as sexy or fun as it could have been, but the other options feel too dangerous right now.

HALF LIGHT [Challenging: Failure] – Or you’re just a coward, now that you have an idea of what the consequences for, say, that third one might have been like.

RHETORIC – Or that.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Oh, Harry.” His eyes are soft. “That’s not a secret.”

LOGIC [Legendary: Failure] – Why are his eyes _soft_ if he’s _agreeing_?

KIM KITSURAGI – “I wouldn’t know, but it sounds like you were…difficult to work with.” Understatement of the century. “But the work we’ve done this week – I couldn’t be prouder of it.”

EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – The _and of you_ is unspoken. But it’s there. He gets it: sometimes you have an idea of what you’re like, fundamentally. Sometimes that idea creates a feedback loop where you get more and more, well, like that. Sometimes the idea is “I’m an evil alcoholic maniac, and a bunch of other related bullshit.” But sometimes you are presented with an opportunity to realize that you were wrong about that fundamental stuff. He can relate. Not to the specifics – just to the opportunity.

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – This isn’t to say you’re perfect now. You’re still an alcoholic maniac. But maybe you’re starting to let go of the _evil_ , plus some of the other related bullshit.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – And, hey, about the alcoholic business – your current sober streak? That’s been easy.

YOU – Uh, pardon me, it’s been hard as shit.

VOLITION [Godly: Success] – And you’ve done it anyway.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] – Nope. You’ve done it, but it hasn’t been _hard_. Not when you’ve been constantly stimulated, never bored. Just give it another week or two, until you’re alone in your apartment on a weekend evening with nothing to do – _then_ you’re gonna find out about _hard_.

EMPATHY – But – Kim, bless him, understands all of that too. And his _being proud of you_ is still floating in the air between you.

COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] – You bring your hands to your face, somewhat ineffectually wiping at the tears that have, without consulting you, welled up. But you, yknow, own it. It’s a suave tear-wiping.

SAVOIR FAIRE – You keep telling yourself that.

EMPATHY – This isn’t easy for Kim, exactly – this kind of feelings stuff. So when he says, “You know, I’m still waiting for a real secret,” he’s saving himself as well as you.

  1. “It’s not that I used to be a really bad person. It’s that I still am.”
  2. “So, a second ago, when you called me Harry? Obviously you’ve said that one before, which I know, because I remember every single time you have. That’s the secret. Plus I like it. A lot.”
  3. [Volition: Heroic] Tell him about all of your awful _thoughts_ and _feelings_. The ones about _him_.
  4. **“I really can read your mind sometimes.”**



LOGIC [Formidable: Success] – This seems like a good one. Kim’s words earlier didn’t really contain a lot of explicit _feelings stuff_ – you got that from the voices. But he was still uncomfortable – so he definitely knew some _feelings stuff_ was going on. Covertly. This should help explain that for him.

SUGGESTION [Legendary: Success] – Plus, he’s never liked that one. If your voices are gonna be the thing to fuck this up, better to get it over with now. But – they also might not.

KIM KITSURAGI – “I suppose – well, I suppose that’s a secret. But only because I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe you when you tried to tell me earlier.”

LOGIC [Easy: Success] – So he believes you now?

YOU – “So you believe me now?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “I think I do. I’m fairly sure I do. It’s not easy to believe, but out of the things we’ve encountered over the past week…” he waggles his hand in a _so-so_ gesture. “Not the hardest.”

YOU -- You’re relieved. You’re _so_ relieved.

INLAND EMPIRE [Legendary: Success] – It’s still not completely clear whether you’ve told anyone about the voices before. Dora? Surely no, right? Jean? Maybe, but possibly just as something you could play off as a joke? This – this is your chance to make yourself _known_.

REACTION SPEED [Challenging: Success] – You find yourself babbling, out of relief, sure, but also out of fear that you’ll never get another opportunity like this one, with Kim or with anyone. “It’s part of a bunch of these voices in my head, they’re me but kinda not, they tell me other things too, like, like hunches, or facts, or dreams, or how to do things I have to do, or _not_ how to do them when I fuck up—"

KIM KITSURAGI – He interrupts you. “Is that what you’re listening to when you pause?”

REACTION SPEED [Formidable: Failure] – Pause?

SUGGESTION [Legendary: Failure] – Yeah. You pause. Time goes by while you’re having these conversations with yourself. Kim’s had to wait for you when you’ve stopped stock still in the middle of a step or taken too long to ask a question when interviewing someone pretty much countless times this week.

REACTION SPEED – Well. Shit. That’s some new info.

YOU – “Pause – yeah, I guess so.”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Can you…well, can you read everyone’s mind? Everything they’re thinking?”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Easy: Success] – He’s a detective, detective. This is personal, yes, but he’s curious too.

YOU – “Nope. Definitely not. Just sometimes, and usually only when it’s relevant, like that first day I knew you would, like—”

VISUAL CALCULUS [Formidable: Success] – His face becomes a mask again at that.

YOU – Fuck, you forgot that’s something he was weird about specifically. But you already started, so. “I knew you would, uh, _hurl yourself in death’s way_ for me, because it was relevant to, like, cop stuff. So, like, obviously it fucks me up sometimes, because it led me to false conclusions, but usually—”

REACTION SPEED [Medium: Success] – You cut yourself off.

KIM KITSURAGI – Because now he’s laughing.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – A real laugh – there’s nothing restrained about it. This is something you haven’t seen before, from him.

EMPATHY [Legendary: Failure] – It is not clear to you _why_ he’s laughing. See – this really doesn’t always work!

  1. **“Uh, Kim?”**
  2. [Conceptualization: Challenging] “You’re laughing at me, right? Because I sound nuts?”
  3. [Half Light: Formidable] “Look, man, fuck you, I am what I am.”



KIM KITSURAGI – “That’s what you read my mind as that first time?”

YOU – “Yeah, I mean, like I said…”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Nothing else? That’s what led you to…the conclusions you reached?”

YOU – You’re feeling defensive, now, a little. “That wasn’t, like, intense enough? For my _conclusions_?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “No, it’s plenty intense, it’s just…well. Then this trick of yours isn’t always precisely or completely accurate.”

YOU – “So that’s not what you were thinking?”

VISUAL CALCULUS [Heroic: Failure] – He’s gotten his laughter under control. There’s something else on his face now.

KIM KITSURAGI – “No, no, it was. It was. There were just also some other things.”

  1. **“What other things?”**
  2. “Well, that sounds like your business and I’m not gonna pry.”



ESPIRIT DE CORPS – If you’d said the second one, Kim would have had a stroke. No self-respecting detective is _not gonna pry_.

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – But even apart from that, the first one is the response he wanted.

KIM KITSURAGI – He leans towards you, still perched on the bed.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – You’ve moved, without noticing, scooted your desk chair around so you were facing him, leaning towards him too. He’s just mirroring you now.

KIM KITSURAGI – “You tell me, Harry.”

YOU – “What?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Read my mind. What I was thinking then – it’s not _exactly_ what I’m thinking now. But it’s not terribly far afield.”

COMPOSURE [Formidable: Failure] – Oh, shit.

HALF LIGHT – This? This is important. Nobody better fuck it up for us.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Uh, yeah, pretty sure everyone got that! He’s still looking at you and your stomach is in free-fall and the very air is electric, so!

  1. **[Empathy: Heroic] Do it.**
  2. Don’t do it.



EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – Thank fuck. All right. Look at him.

YOU – You look at him. You’ve been, but you _really_ look now.

PERCEPTION – You can’t read his face. There’s something there but it’s new – you don’t have a frame of reference.

EMPATHY – But you don’t need a frame of reference to do _this_. To just _know_ , suddenly, that for him, what he’s doing – it’s a leap of faith. It’s brave. It’s _also_ the first thing you’ve seen about him that isn’t _totally_ brave, because – you already fucked up on this one once, Harry. You’re not a perfect mind-reader. The possibility of you fucking it up again has allowed him to try it, the thing he’s doing. To ask you for this. It’s not exactly plausible deniability – he’s too clear-eyed to imagine that – but it’s something close.

YOU – So what’s he thinking? Other than that?

EMPATHY – It’s very deliberate – he’s thinking clearly, trying to concentrate, to make himself easy to read.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – He’s thinking, “Kiss me, Harry!”

EMPATHY – You know, he actually is. “Kiss me.”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – No, no don’t listen t—oh holy fuck??!?

EMPATHY – He wants you too. He’s been thinking about it – not just now, but when you’ve asked him questions about homo-sexuality, when you’ve leaned in too close to him, when you’ve looked at him the way you’re currently looking.

DRAMA [Godly: Success] – A bonus, sire. The “kiss me” business – that was kind of a lie. He was _not_ thinking that the first time he saw you. He didn’t want you to kiss him in the middle of the Whirling-in-Rags, in front of Garte and the customers and the royalist pinball machine to boot. He was just kinda into you, and annoyed at himself for being so, because, one, cop-partners, and two, it was immediately obvious to him that you were a fucking wreck. But I can respect it: he set up a really great moment here.

LOGIC [Medium: Success] - You’ve been on pause. So he knows you’ve been having a little conference in here. He’s waiting.

EMPATHY – It’s not terribly easy for him.

YOU – You’re looking at his mouth.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Hard not to.

  1. [Savoir Faire: Challenging] You heard the man. Kiss him.
  2. **Fuck, I just—I can’t. I just can’t.**



Kim “What?”

RHETORIC – Yeah, you just said that out loud.

SAVOIR FAIRE – Save this fucking save this!

YOU – “I can’t read your mind I have no idea what you were thinking??”

SAVOIR FAIRE – Fuck this isn’t saving this!!!

YOU – “I can’t— _you_ can’t—"

VOLITION [Heroic: Success] – What you want to say is he can’t want that. Not with you. You didn’t even get a chance to tell him you were still a bad person. You can’t say you weren’t going to try… _something like this_ at some point, you want him too fucking bad to not try. But you were going to give him outs beforehand. A shit ton of outs. Enough outs and reasons to take them that he couldn’t possibly—he could never—he would realize that even if you tried, the _right thing for him to do_ would be to turn you down and do it quickly—

COMPOSURE – But he’s suddenly in your space. He’s up from where he was sitting on the bed and he’s leaning over you, still sitting in the desk chair. He’s standing—not between your legs, but not far from it.

KIM KITSURAGI – “I’ll take a chance. You’re lying.”

DRAMA – Not our finest work, sire.

  1. [Drama: Godly] “No I’m not!” (Lie.)
  2. [Volition: Impossible] “I am. But for a good reason, Kim.”
  3. **“How do you know?”**



YOU – And you follow that up with “Do you have the voices _too_??!” because you’re still nothing if not a moron.

KIM KITSURAGI – “No, Harry. But I can tell. Do you want to know how?”

YOU – You do! You really fucking do!

  1. I do!
  2. I don—



EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – Listen. Listen up. I’m _soooo_ sorry to interrupt, but we absolutely cannot go on like this. This isn’t fair.

PERCEPTION [Formidable: Success] – You thought he was in control, that this wasn’t too hard for him, that he was fucking with you a little, like you let him do, like you kind of like it when he does. But this close, you can see that his face is iced over, that he won’t quite meet your eyes.

EMPATHY – He’s going out on a limb here. He’s literally never once in his whole goddamn life done that, before, not like _this_. He’s not even a person who will make the first move usually, but now he’s upended his life – filed his transfer paperwork in all but deed. And without any official, explicit confirmation that he’s not being completely fucking crazy. Even though he feels like he is.

VOLITION [Legendary: Success] – You have this one advantage on him – the voices. It’s not fair. So use it to make this work.

YOU – So you kiss him.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Formidable: Success] – You reach up and grab him and bring his face down to yours, mashing your lips together. It’s not elegant. It’s sloppy.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – He wasn’t expecting it - wouldn't let himself expect it. So he doesn’t kiss back. Until he does.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – And then – well.

CONCEPTUALIZATION – It’s not like you imagined it. It’s – well, fuck. It’s better. You couldn't quite imagine the sensation of the slide of his lips against yours, and, unexpectedly, his teeth against your bottom lip.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT His hands, one tangled in the hair at the back of your head, one gripping your shoulder. He’s holding himself up so he doesn’t smash completely into you on the chair.

INTERFACING – No, no, you want him smashed into you. You grab his waist, try to yank him against you.

KIM KITSURAGI – He doesn’t let you pull him down. “Harry, your leg, I’m not sure if this is…”

INTERFACING [Formidable: Failure] – That’s ok. Now you get to be holding his waist, anyway.

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium: Success] – Since he’s had to move his mouth away from yours to speak, you take the opportunity to start kissing his neck, sucking at the spot below his jaw that you were thinking about—was it just a few days ago?

PAIN THRESHOLD [Godly: Success] – Fuck your leg, man. This is more important.

YOU – You’re saying words between kisses. You’re not totally sure which ones, or why. “Kim – you have no fucking idea – the way I –”

EMPATHY [Formidable: Success] – That was his last attempt at self-control. Even he has his limits. If you asked him, he’d agree: fuck your leg.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – He rests one knee on the seat of the chair, between your legs, and leans down over you to get a better angle. His lower thigh is pressed up against you – well, you’ve just pressed yourself up against it. Your hips are moving, in little involuntary stutters, grinding against him.

YOU – You’re on fire.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – You have to touch him. More than you already are. Immediately.

INTERFACING [Challenging: Success] – So you take one of the hands on his waist and scrabble at the hem of his shirt, pulling it up until you can stick your hand underneath and grab at his side. You press your other hand against the front of his pants.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] – Yeah, you’ve never done this before – been this up close and personal with a dick that wasn’t your own. But you like it. You wish you were more up close and more personal, actually, that there weren’t layers of fabric between his skin and your hand. And he likes it too – he’s already kinda hard, and he’s moving, just a little, against your hand now.

PERCEPTION [Formidable: Success] – Anyone else would’ve groaned when you grabbed him. For him, it was just an exhale, one that’s a little shakier than usual. But you heard how his breath caught. You _know_.

REACTION SPEED [Heroic: Failure] – After – how long? A minute? An hour? – he pulls away so he’s standing fully upright again, that one hand still in your hair, keeping you from chasing him up, from trying to keep kissing him.

KIM KITSURAGI – His eyes are bright, his mouth wet. “Harry. Are you – what do you want?”

YOU – “Uh, this.”

KIM KITSURAGI – “No, I mean – do you want to – would you rather…”

EMPATHY [Medium: Success] – He’s flustered. The pink flush that’s usually confined to his ears is spreading to his cheeks, his neck. The question is, do you want to stop now, or keep this going? But he can’t quite get the words out.

SUGGESTION – You find it charming. And the confirmation that you have an _effect_ on him, like the one he has on you – it goes right to your head.

YOU – “Fuck, yes. Please, Kim, c’mon.”

SUGGESTION [Challenging: Success] – Not your most eloquent either, but it does the trick. He gets what you’re trying to say: if you stop this now, you’re something like 90% certain you’re gonna die.

KIM KITSURAGI – “This angle – I think we should move, maybe?” He’s looking down at you through partially-closed eyes.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] – _Yeah_ you should.

  1. Stand up with him.
  2. **Get down on your knees.**



PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Challenging: Success] – You slide off the chair, your knees hitting the floor. (Ouch. The pain reverberates up your thigh. Bad idea?)

PAIN THRESHOLD [Legendary: Success] – You’re here now, though, so you reach up, start to fiddle with his belt with one hand.

INTERFACING [Formidable: Failure] – But he’s reaching down, covering his hand with your own.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Harry, wait, wait. What are you doing?”

EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – No, no, it’s all right. It’s not that he doesn’t want that. (Oh, fuck, does he ever, actually.) Just doesn’t want it _right now_. He’s a little embarrassed, sure, that you’re so immediately ready to fucking get on your knees for him, because he doesn’t know thinking about this has taken up a not totally insignificant chunk of your brainpower for the past few days – thinking about what he’d taste like, what he’d feel like on your tongue. But it’s not a big deal, he’s not, like…well. It’s just that right now, he wants it different.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Get up here.”

ENDURANCE [Legendary: Failure] – Your face is hot, though, and your leg is protesting now too. You fucked that one up – didn’t even ask, just fucking dropped to your knees for him like some kind of—

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] – What, some kind of homo-sexual? I’ve got some news for you about what you’ve been doing up until this point, buddy.

KIM KITSURAGI – But Kim just takes you by the arms and pulls you up, helping you keep the weight off your injured leg, and leads you over to the bed. He backs himself up to it, pushing your stupid robe down your arms, pulling your shirt untucked. “Take this off,” he says, pulling his own shirt over his head.

INTERFACING [Formidable: Success] – You’re occupied enough trying to take your own clothes off without popping a stitch that you miss Kim undressing, which is a damn shame.

PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] – But when you’ve finished carefully inching your pants and underwear down over your bullet hole, you look over, and you see him, propped up on his elbows, on the bed. Waiting for you.

COMPOSURE [Godly: Failure] – You’re suddenly not sure what to do. It’s a combination of seeing Kim, the planes and lines of his body that you’ve just been imagining until now, plus the _getting on your knees_ mishap, plus the way you’re suddenly aware that the ex-gym teacher thing wasn’t _quite_ enough to keep you in tip-top physical form throughout your tenure as an alcoholic.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – But the way he’s looking at you – you don’t have to read his mind to know he’s not thinking about those things.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Harry, come here.”

  1. [Authority: Heroic: Success] Yeah, baby! Get in there! Take charge! Go show him what you can do!
  2. **You just figured out what all of this even _was_. Let Kim handle it for now.**



PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Success] – You lower yourself onto the bed so you’re facing Kim, propped up on your side too. He pushes you onto your back, leaning to kiss you, pressing himself against your side. You feel him, hard, against your hip. Again, it’s foreign, but, like _fun-and-exciting_ or _why-haven’t-I-been-doing-this-24/7-already_ foreign.

YOU – “Kim. Mmh—”

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – He thinks that saying his name was just a general expression of enthusiasm, which he’s all for, so he doesn’t stop with the kissing.

YOU – You try again. “Tell me how you knew, earlier, that I was lying.”

EMPATHY [Challenging: Success] – This is a gift to him – you’re returning some of the control he’s given up by putting himself out there, handing him the reins.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – Yeah, the reins to your _dick_.

YOU – Your dick that he’s _sliding his hand towards_ right now, wrapping his fingers around. “ _Fuck_ ,” you say.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT – Where’s your competitive spirit? Grab _his_ dick back.

YOU – So you do, taking him in hand, feeling him buck up into your grip. He kisses you, biting at your lower lip, before he draws back.

KIM KITSURAGI – “You were – mmh, Harry – you were staring at me. At my lips.”

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Formidable: Success] – Remember, you’re in bed with a detective, and a damn good one.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] – So, this? Being cracked open and taken apart by someone else for once? It sets you _alight_.

YOU – “What else, _lieutenant_?”

ELECTROCHEMISTRY – And oh, fuck, that actually really does it for him. You feel his dick twitch in your hand, and he can’t entirely stifle his moan this time. You’re gonna file that away for later.

EMPATHY – He’s a little embarrassed about that one. But not enough to try to tell you he doesn’t like it.

VOLITION [Challenging: Success] – His ears are red. Otherwise, you couldn’t tell from his face how affected he is. And he _is_ affected. But – he goes on.

KIM KITSURAGI – “It’s the same look that you were – you kept giving me, when you’d get into my space and _stare_ , even before we talked about homo-sexuality, but then after, you tried to stop, I could tell, but Harry, you’re not very _good_ at that, _stopping_ yourself from—”

COMPOSURE – He’s speaking steadily until he isn’t.

YOU – He breaks off as you continue to stroke him, all the while still thrusting your own hips into his hand. And it’s maybe kinda dry and a little fast, just on the edge of too much, but soon, almost too soon, you’re coming, your brain almost whiting out for a second (hey, just like amnesia!) –

SUGGESTION [Formidable: Success] – Hey! Don’t just lay there! Kim’s still here!

YOU – And as you come back to yourself you keep touching him, twisting your wrist and running your thumb over the head of his dick like, you guess, you’d do to yourself, and it’s different but not _too_ different, and apparently you’re not doing too terrible of a job because it’s not long before he lets out a muffled groan and his body tenses and relaxes against your own as he comes into your hand.

PHYSICAL INSTRUMENT [Medium: Failure] – You were going to lift yourself up so you weren’t just flat on your back still, but he kind of sinks down into your side, resting his cheek against your shoulder, and, still being careful to avoid the bullet hole in your thigh, actually _throws one of his legs over yours_.

YOU – You _absolutely_ feel like your fucking lungs might be glowing right now. You almost want to ask him to check.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Legendary: Success] – You really need to grab him, but he might not like that because you’ve got, uh, his _come_ on your _hand_. Gross? But also a tiny bit hot? Not for right now, don’t worry – just something else to file away.

HAND-EYE COORDINATION [Easy: Success] – You wipe your hand on the top sheet.

KIM KITSURAGI – Kim, raising his head from your shoulder to see what you’re doing, winces. He’s obviously not so thrilled about the idea of sleeping on these now.

YOU – “Sorry,” you say. You’re not that sorry, because now you can rest your clean-ish hand on the small of his back.

KIM KITSURAGI – He’s chuckling, a little. “It’s all right. I can never tell if it’s the amnesia or if you were just raised in a barn.”

PERCEPTION [Trivial: Success] – And then he’s laughing again. His real, full-throated laugh.

EMPATHY [Legendary: Failure] – You don’t totally get why this time either.

  1. “It wasn’t a _barn_ , it was a _military hospital_ where _people go to die_. At least at first. I don’t really know what happened after that.”
  2. **“You really laugh at me a lot, huh?”**



KIM KITSURAGI – “No, no, I’m sorry, it’s just – I was just thinking – I halfway thought all this time that you were, that right at the beginning you knew I was thinking… _that_ , and that obviously no one would believe we were so openly _together_ , let alone _married_ , so you were just doing it for my benefit. Well – my detriment.”

YOU – “You thought I was fucking with you?”

KIM KITSURAGI – “Well – yes. It would have been mean-spirited, but it’s not like you were never mean-spirited, apparently, with the public _suicide threats_ …”

PAIN THRESHOLD [Legendary: Failure] – Oof. He’s not particularly delicate around your sore spots, is he?

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Challenging: Success] – No. And that’s good – he’s desensitizing you. He’s the meat tenderizer, you’re the meat.

LOGIC – [Formidable: Success] – Another _terrible_ metaphor, it’s literally in the _name_ , it would _sensitize_ the meat if anything—

KIM KITSURAGI – “…and now here I am, with, technically, my _superior officer_.”

AUTHORITY – _Technically_?!

ESPIRIT DE CORPS [Legendary: Success] – Somehow the superior officer thing is _easily_ the worst of it for Kim—

YOU – Which is, in your humble opinion, actually funny as shit. Good for him that he already knew about homo-sexuality and its legal status and all of the _implications_ that follow from that, you wish you’d had that knowledge days ago so maybe you could’ve been doing this the whole time, but for him it’s literally the bullshit fuddy-duddy rules about _fraternization_ in the RCM Code of Conduct—

ESPIRIT DE CORPS – Ahem. Those rules are the ones in Article 5 that, to a degree, he actually respects.

EMPATHY [Heroic: Success] – But – you know – he doesn’t regret this. It’s _different_ for him – if someone had told him two weeks ago that this would happen he would have thought they were insane – but different isn’t _bad_ , necessarily, at least in this case.

YOU – You’re grinning.

  1. “Yeah, man, I really was _fucking with you_.” (Deploy The Expression.)
  2. **“Well, guess the joke _is_ on you, because it seems like I ended up being _totally_ _right_.”**



LOGIC – You’ve just implied that you are, in fact, married. Or at the very least in a serious and committed relationship.

YOU – You turn red. Yep. He’s laughing at you again.

KIM KITSURAGI – “Cool down, _coach_ ,” he says. “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.”

CONCEPTUALIZATION [Formidable: Success] – But is it really getting ahead of yourself if he’s about to put in a transfer request, therefore submitting legal paperwork that doesn’t _technically_ have your name on it, but that everybody knows has it _in spirit_? And you’re still lying in bed, pressed up against each other, giggling away together in a manner not befitting two grown-ass detectives but that you’re both definitely not minding?

SAVOIR FAIRE [Medium: Success] – But he’s right. You can take it easy. You have time.

VOLITION [Heroic: Success] – You _need_ time – to get back into your apartment, into your report for this case, into your precinct and the good graces of your coworkers. And out of the bottle.

ELECTROCHEMISTRY [Challenging: Success] – Just to clarify: the booze bottle, the pill bottle, the, uh, coke bottle? Coke could go in a bottle if necessary. All of those bottles.

VOLITION – Wonderful. Thanks.

SHIVERS [Legendary: Success] – And you need to get out into the city. She’s waiting for you – she’s missed you walking her streets at night. And she’s interested, too, in this new addition, the man who’ll be walking by your side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaand that's it baby! thank u all for reading! once again come hang out w/ me at frittte.tumblr.com until i am possessed by this video game to write more nonsense against my will at that point i will be back here :')


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